Too Far Gone to be Fixed

Chapter 2 || Late Night Thinking : Jae

☼♡ _springdays_'s playlist ♡☼

♪☆⇢ Newton | MONSTA X
♪☆⇢ 5:14 (Last Page) | MONSTA X
♪☆⇢ Calm Down | MONSTA X
♪☆⇢ Epilogue: Young Forever | BTS
         ♡♡ bonus song ♡♡
         ⇢ Neverland | Andy Mineo ft. Marz

***

Usually when I stay with Neul, she lets me sleep in her bed with her. We have ever since we were in first grade when her parents first started getting to know me, and allowed me to stay the night whenever I asked. I never told them what was going on in my family, but seeing as I began to grow closer to their daughter and to them, I think they started to sort of understand my situation, even if they were just guessing.

Neul is still the same as she was a when I first met her. Obviously she's matured quite a bit, but she still holds her childish innocence. The kind of innocence that makes you want to protect her. Her room is still covered in posters of her favorite k-dramas and k-pop groups. I remember when she got each poster and asked me to help her hang them up. Min-neul has always been very trusting of everyone she meets. It's a good trait of hers, but it's also her worst trait. She ends up trusting people very quickly and then she gets hurt.

Even now, Neul doesn't mind me sharing her bed with her when I stay over. Ah, my birthday is soon. I'll be twenty. I wonder if it'll feel any different that this? I wonder what Neul will feel like to be nineteen? She's almost a year younger than me... but I've never minded. She's rather cute. I wonder if she realizes that I love her. I wonder if she has feelings for me the way I do for her.

I almost regret agreeing to share Neul's bed tonight. I feel so flustered and warm. What is this feeling? How long have I really even had it? Was it just lying there beneath the surface of all my other feelings, waiting to make itself apparent? I don't know... all I know is that something is definitely beginning to stir in my heart... Feelings for her I didn't even know I had. For some reason, even though I've shared a bed with her for almost as long as I can remember, tonight feels weird. I feel like I shouldn't be here. Maybe it's the fact that I'm a nineteen year old boy and she's an eighteen year old girl? Maybe it's the fact that she's my best friend and we're not even dating? Maybe it's the fact that she's doing weird things to my feelings? I don't know what it is... But I wish I did.

"Niga nae yeope isseo neoboda bichi naneun geon eobseo ye..." I whisper into thin air.*

Someday, maybe I'll have the courage to confess to to Neul. But I think that I should actually figure out my feelings before that day comes. I can only hope that she doesn't grow bored of being my friend. I can only hope she doesn't leave me. Whether I'm willing to accept it or not, she's all I have... and if she leaves me, I'll be all alone again.

I wonder what it'll be like at university? Will I make any friends there? Will it just be Neul and I like it usually is? I honestly hope I can make real friends... Friends I can actually trust... friends who don't just use me for popularity. Friends I can share my music with... I'm rather shy to sing and share my music with anyone except for Neul. In fact, I'm pretty sure nobody knows that I sing except for Neul. She's the one who got me into singing when she heard me singing a random song that was stuck in my head when we were in fifth grade.

If it weren't for Neul, I never would've discovered my passion for music. She also helped me pay for piano lessons starting that same year, because I was desperate to learn. If I was going to take voice lessons, I might as well take piano lessons along with it. Make the most out my musical abilities. Not long after that, I began writing my own songs, and I listened to more music.

Once I started listening to more pop music, I realized that I wanted to be a rapper. It not only seemed cool, and and sounded cool, but it was so much fun and I felt like I could be myself and be really expressive through rapping. Around that same time, Neul started to really get into dancing, but she wouldn't take lessons unless I took them with her. She begged and begged me to do the lessons with her. I eventually gave in. She and I have taken dance lessons ever since the sixth grade, and now we're about to graduate high school, and we're still taking lessons.