Hate You More!

Chapter Fifteenth

"Oh come on!". He tries to slam the door but I manage to push it back at him. He gives up. He walks to the living room and sits on the couch. He is soundless. He is just sitting there as if he's waiting for me to actually say something.

"I came to see if you're okay.". I rub his shoulder gently. He nudges away. I try not to shock myself easily. I really need to get this thing straight. I take a deep long breath. I move my body closer to him. He moves his body an inch away from me. Again, I try not to get emotional.

" What's going on, Joshua? I.. I think...you need to stop. Stop doing this!". I try to hold back my tears. He looks at me.

"Stop doing what?". He almost shouts it.

"This ! This game!". I shout it back at him.

"I ain't playing a game. I'm being real"

" Then tell me what's going on. You're getting on my nerves over here!"

"What is wrong with you?". He shouts it, again. He looks so mad.

"What is wrong with YOU?". I'm losing my mind. He sighs and stands up. He takes a look at me and walks.

"Please!". I can't help but to cry. I'm in tears. I'm dying to know. He's still playing this stupid game of his. He turns his face. He comes back and sits on the couch.

"If I told you, would you get off my back?"

" What? What are you saying?"

" Would you leave for good if I told you everything?".

"Josh?". I whisper.

"Answer the question, Jammy".

I look down. I'm holding back my sadness. I try. But I can't lie to myself. I feel cheated. I feel betrayed. But most importantly, I feel unloved. I look at him. His chest is going up and down. He's standing there waiting for my answer. I have no other choice than to nod. He sighs. He sulks it in and hold both of my shoulders. He inhales.

"Jammy...". He stops. It looks like he tries to get words out of him. He looks like he's having a hard time to even speak. I wait patiently. But I have to admit, I've never been this nervous. It's like I'm waiting for a death sentence.

"I want you to stay calm. Don't freak out. Jammy, I'm.. I'm...Oh my god! I'm not sure if I could do this!". I'm about to lose my breath. He's not making this any easier. I look at him deep into his eyes. He understands that I'm dying to know about it.

"Jammy, I'm..I'm". He cries uncontrollably.

"I'm...I'm...positive!". He looks down.

"You're positive about what?". I still don't get it. He looks at me and has that puzzled expression on his face. He looks straight into my eyes and tries to explain. His eyes are wide open.

"Jammy...I'm positive..."

"Positive as in?". I ask.

"As in...I'm...it's ..eeer...H...H.I.V ! I'm...I'm H.I.V positive!". His eyes are still on me. I feel like my heart is being ripped off. My head feels so heavy. I can feel the tears all over my cheeks and neck. He's crying too.

"I just.. I ...I love you so much..But knowing that I might be..dead? I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I'm getting closer to death day by day. I don't want this feeling to grow. Because I don't want to build something that I don't get to see the ending."

"Josh! I..I don't know what to say..". I startle. I really really don't know what to say. Thousands of things are on my mind right now. Ugly things. He takes both of my hands and put them against his chest.