Magisterium OneShots

Heavy

I don't like my mind right now.

Call could not sleep for the life of him.

Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary.

But really, it was hard to imagine that anyone would be able to sleep after going through what he had. His head hurt, his body felt like lead, and his eyes stung with tears that he absolutely refused to cry.

Wish that I could slow things down.

He had replayed the same scene over and over in his head a million times, but he could never manage to wrap his head around the fact that his best friend was dead.

I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic.

Dead. Because of him. His best friend was dead because he was too scared to say anything about himself. Dead. Because Call had been afraid.

And I drive myself crazy thinking everything's about me.

Aaron was dead. Bright, vibrant Aaron who always had a smile for everyone. The Aaron who had been so utterly lost and afraid when he found out he could use Chaos magic. The Aaron who had just spent the previous summer at Call's house, playing video games and watching movies with him, talking with him about pointless things into the night.

Yeah I drive myself crazy cause I can't escape the gravity.

Aaron was good. He was so good and he didn't deserve to have a friend like Call hanging around him. Call who always scowled, was sarcastic 98% of the time, and made bad jokes. Call who was Constantine, Call who was Aaron's enemy.

I'm holding on,

But he hung around Call all the same. Breaking down his stubborn walls and worming his way into his heart until Call could say that Aaron was his best friend, his best friend and he loved him.

Why is everything so heavy?

'So, why exactly do you want to stay with me this summer? I mean, Tamara's house is much nicer and they bought you nice clothes last time-not saying that we won't buy you those things if you need it bu-'

'I want to stay with you because I want to stay with you.'

'But-but after everything that happened! You still want to be around me?'

'Call.'

'Yeah?'

'See? You're Callum Hunt. You're my best friend and I don't care if you have Constantine's soul inside you. Because after everything you're still the same Call I met two years ago.'

'...Aaron?'

'Yeah?'

'...Thanks.'

Holding on,

He remembered that conversation so clearly, and it was so hard for him to imagine that the brilliant boy who had so confidently reassured him and smiled at him would never do those simple things for him ever again.

To so much more than I can carry.

Never stand up for him when he was being picked on, never crack a joke with him, never ask him to play basketball with him, never carry his bag for him after a long car ride.

I keep dragging around what's bringing me down.

For the hundredth time since he had been locked up, he swallowed past the lump in his throat.

If I just let go I'd be set free.

Although, no matter how many times he thought about different scenarios, he knew he would've ended up locked up either way. There was no other way to explain what had happened that night between him, Aaron, Alex, and the Alkahest without revealing his secret. Of course, there was always the scenario in which he died instead of Aaron, and even though he knew Aaron would be absolutely crushed, he actually found himself wishing that had happened.

Holding on,

Wishing. Willing to do anything to get him back. To hear him laugh or just to feel his light steady presence next to him. 

Why is everything so heavy?

Is this how Constantine had felt when Jericho died? He could only imagine the pain of losing a sibling, let alone twin. If the pain Call felt was only a fraction that Constantine had when he lost Jericho, then he suddenly realized why Constantine had been so willing to watch the entire world burn if only to see Jericho alive and smiling again.

You say that I'm paranoid.

It made him feel sick to his stomach to think he had so much in common with someone who had killed so many innocent people, but at the same time a strange calm had settled over him. Constantine was human too, and sure he had made mistakes, but no one had been there to help him or correct him in his errs. But maybe that was just Call being sympathetic for the original owner of his soul.

But I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me.

Still, at this point, he really was willing to do anything to get Aaron back. As selfish as it was.

It's not like I made the choice.

But that was Call. Call was the bad guy. Sure he himself had never killed anyone, never turned anyone into a Chaos ridden...but could he really say that after what happened with Jennifer? He couldn't, could he? And even then when it seemed like his whole world was crashing down around him with the realization that he knew what he was doing he'd done that a million times before, Aaron had still defended him and told him over and over again that it wasn't his fault and it was their fault for making them do these things.

To let my mind stay so fucking messy.

Alex killed him. Alex was the spy. Alex was a traitor. He had trusted Alex, thought of him as a guide or a mentor someone to give him advice on his problems, and Alex had killed Aaron. Killed him. And Call swore he had never felt so utterly betrayed or wanted to kill someone as much as he had that night.

I know I'm not the center of the universe,

He recalled easily the feeling of the pure rage and anguish that had flowed through his entire being during that moment.

But you keep spinning around me just the same.

Because Aaron was his counterweight in all ways that mattered, and without him he spiraled out of control. Spiraled into nothing but Chaos.

I know I'm not the center of the universe,

At least he still had Tamara and Havoc after it all. But he knew he could never replace Aaron to Tamara. Whatever she and Aaron had been, he knew he could never fill that place in her heart. Just as she could never fill the place in his heart. The place that had been so full of Aaron-ness that when he was gone it just left a dark gaping hole.

But you keep spinning around me just the same.

He wished they would come visit him, at least once. But he doubted they would be allowed to. He just wanted to hear their voices and know for himself that they were alright and that she didn't hate him because of what happened to Aaron, and he knew that she probably wanted to hear the same thing as well.

I'm holding on,

He hated everything that had happened. He wanted nothing more than to go back in time and be the one to push Aaron out of the way and be the one to be killed. Then the world would be safe and Aaron and Tamara and Havoc would go on living happily without him.

Why is everything so heavy?

He hated the damn weight of Constantine Madden on his shoulders, he hated the weight of his best friends' death on his shoulders.

Why is everything so heavy?

He hated how they all felt so heavy now that Aaron was gone.

Why is everything so heavy?

And before he could stop,

He found himself crying.