Lock the Doors - Mattdock

Chapter Nineteen - Looks Can Be Deceiving

I ended up burning those pieces of paper, burning my five AM thoughts and discarding them as stupid and insignificant.

When my parents left for work at around eight, I got dressed and grabbed those papers and a lighter, bringing them outside.

I brought them to the cliff's edge, flicking on the lighter and burning each page individually, the constant thought of "I can't believe I'm this stupid" going through my head.

Goddamn, I'm fucked up.

I stared down at the pile of ashes, wiping the ash away and watching it fall off the edge. I rubbed my hands together, trying to get the black smudges off. I gave up before wiping them on my jeans.

I had nothing to do, but I didn't want to go home, even though nobody was there.

Christ, did I even lock the door?

I sighed, picking at the rips in my jeans, trying to find something to occupy my time.

I gave up and decided to walk to the forest, because at least there's a fucking creek for me to look at instead of the edge of a cliff—tempting me to just end it all.

Like I said, fucked up.

I got up and started walking towards the forest, trying to ignore the ache in my stomach from hunger.

As the familiar place got into view, I immediately wanted to turn around and go home.

"Who the fuck texts someone at three in the morning?" I called out, instantly getting Johnny's attention.

"Well, hello to you, too!" he said.

I walked towards him, sitting on the fallen tree. He was on the other side of me, sitting on the ground with his knees pulled up to his chest, looking up at me.

"What're you doing here?" I asked.

"You don't own this place, Nick. Anyone can come here," he said, chuckling near the end.

"I'm very much aware of that, I was just asking why."

"Because I felt like it," he shrugged.

"Hm. Y'know, I'm still wondering why you texted me at three AM."

"You're really that pissed? Jeez Nick, sorry," he laughed, "I didn't mean to wake you, I didn't even expect you to answer. I just couldn't fall asleep and you were the first name I saw in my messages, so I asked if you were awake. Nothing personal."

I yawned before saying, "Well, I'd appreciate it if you don't do that next time, I couldn't go back to sleep afterwards."

"Oh shit, sorry."

"It's fine."

"Is that why you look dead?"

"Excuse me?"

I'm not sure if I should be offended or applauding him for his straightforwardness.

"Shit, fuck, sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I—I seriously wasn't trying to offend you or anything like that."

"I have no idea how to respond what you just said."

"I—Sorry."

"It's fine, I guess. I mean, I can't exactly argue with you on that."

I looked up at him, he was now patting his pockets for something.

"Hey, you got a lighter on ya?"

"What?"

"I thought I had a lighter, guess I forgot mine," he said, and I just now realized that he was holding a cigarette in his left hand.

Does Lloyd know he smokes?

I dug around in my pockets, fingers clasping around the lighter I had brought. I got it out and tossed it to him. He looked surprised, but still managed to catch it.

"Didn't think you were a smoker," he mumbled, cigarette between his lips as he lit it.

"I'm not."

"So you're a professional arsonist?" He threw the lighter back at me and I had to extend my arms and lean forward so I could catch it.

"Is that an actual fucking job?"

"Legally, no."

"Should I be concerned that you know this?"

"Nah, I just spend way too much time on Reddit," he said, exhaling smoke.

"Why'd you start?"

"Going on Reddit?"

"No, dumbass, smoking."

"Wanted friends. Started maybe two years ago. I didn't really make that much of an effort to have friends because that would require actually doing something, so one day I just asked a group of juniors for a cig, so we became sorta smoker-friends. Only interacted with each other when smoking."

"Jeez."

"Yeah. Don't start."

"Have you thought of quitting?"

"Yeah, helluva lot of times. But every time I thought of quitting I immediately thought 'I don't want to think of this now, I need a smoke'," he said.

"Oh."

"Yep."

The conversation between us pretty much died there. It was silent for three minutes, before Johnny broke it.

"You nervous for when school starts?" he asked.

Jesus Christ, he's acting like Lloyd.

"I mean, I guess. Maybe. Sure."

"You'll be fine."

"You don't know that."

"Nope, but I assume that you'll be fine."

"Based off of what?"

"You look like you can handle it."

"Looks can be deceiving."

"That's true."

"Yeah."

Why am I so fucking awkward? I can barely make any conversation.

"I mean, you're what, a sophomore now? You survived freshman year, which is usually the worst, I think you'll be fine."

The interesting part was that he didn't sound like he was mocking me. He actually sounded convinced by his own words.

Looks can be deceiving.