Do i really want to cross the line again? Do i have the power in me to fight the urge to kill my own curiosity? I don't fucking know. But i guess i will figure it out.
I was casually browsing on my instagram when my old make-up artist clarissa posted a video and I instantly felt curious to check it out knowing Clarissa is Camila's official make-up artist on her tour with Bruno Mars. I felt frantic, my mind and my heart is on a extremely serious battle on whether i will take a look at it or just ignore it. I have unfollowed my former bandmate a few months ago, of course I wouldn't deny the fact that I still have some news about her cause our delusional "CAMREN SHIPPERS" keeps on tagging me with Camren related stuff and keeping me posted, constanly updating me with my "EX" i mean my "EX BANDMATE" and in all honesty no matter how I tried to just shake it off, I always end up exploring the "CAMREN TAGS" and "HASHTAGS" about Camila, and whenever I see pictures and videos of us then and now, how everything goes down hill to where we are right now, I felt a familiar pain in my chest, I felt that the once hole in my heart re-opened and wants to swallow me whole. my mind and my heart feels heavy, my breathing becomes unsteady, I'm feeling different kinds of emotions at the same time and that made me anxious. God knows that I wanted to stop right there and then, my mind is scolding me to stop, but my heart and my fingers has their mind of it's own. So instead of fighting them, I just obeyed what my heart truly desires, as they say "CURIOSITY KILLS THE CAT" but "One hit won't hurt""Just one look, lauren. just one look" I took a deep breath and opens the said video and my heart suddenly stops from beating.
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"My Camz" the familiar nickname slips through her mouth so naturally, the same nickname that is responsible for the tingling in her stomach, the same nickname that effortlesly brings joy in her heart, the same nickname that can make her whole body shivers from happiness, the same nickname that broke her heart. The same damn nickname that she wanted to forget years ago, but god. She still can't. She don't want to. Because the same nickname that has been responsible for all the sleepless night, is the same nickname that can make her day full of sunshine every single time. "You still look so devine Camz, you're still the most beautiful girl that i have ever laid my eyes on. God! i missed you so damn much! I miss looking through that gorgeous caramel eyes of yours, who's giving me the stare that speaks a thousand words, how you look at me with so much love, admiration, and care. I miss those plump lips that's perfectly molded with mine, how those sweet, tenderly and passionate words slips into your mouth, how i mindlessly brushing and stroking your hair with my palms while you're contently snuggling in my neck, how you intertwine your hands while savouring it with kisses everytime. Lauren internally spoke to herself. She realizes that her eyes were forming a hot and salt water streaming down her flushed cheeks now, she wanted to prevent her tears from falling but her heart feels so heavy that she started to burst out crying. She let herself drowned from all the emotions that's taking over her now. She needs to let this all out. She needs to feel it all over again, because despite of everything, with all the pain and sadness she suddenly felt alive again, she's feeling again and that's all because of none other than Camila. Her Camz. The Sun to her Moon. The rose to her sacred garden. The girl who complimented her shirt when she first saw her on the bootcamp. The girl who still occupies a massive space in her heart despite her long absence.
