Five Stages of Grief of ASSUMING

Back in highschool, I am having a crush or should I better say "developing feelings" to my not-so-cool-guy-type seatmate. Way back then, he is just an ordinary classmate. We talk only for school stuffs and projects. One day, our class adviser changed the seating arrangement as new grading period starts. I was like "I will be seating with this guy, grading period will be boring" and just accepted the fact I have no choice, because that is my assigned seat.

Time passed by. Time has gone very easily and it seemed I am not aware of the most awaited school year-end. Is this what they say that when you are happy, time goes so fast leaving you wanting to extend some more time together? Because since then, we always talk, a lot. Talking not just for school stuffs, but also for the things they called 'everything under the sun' - family issues, online games, celebrities, our teachers and a lot more. We enjoyed our conversation.

Out of the blue, in one boring class discussion, he suddenly talked and said, "I am having a crush on someone." I teased him and pushed him to tell the details about this crush thing. He said that this one belongs to our class and has been his crush since the previous year. Only that, he added, he does not have courage to tell his feelings to her that time. He told me that after the last school day, he will finally confess his long kept feelings for her. Is he pertaining to me? Hearing that, my heart beats like it will be going to have the greatest explosion of the year.

Last school day, saturday night, he sent a group message proud of mentioning the whole name of his crush. He informed everyone his feelings for her. Then bang! The grief of assuming. The grief of expecting too much.

To repress this feeling, I have been through five stages of grief. First, Denial. Reacted like "No! Someday he will realize that I am better to talk to and share problems with. His feelings for her will last because he was only attracted to the way she look and speak.

Secondly, I let out a feeling of Anger. "How could he be that insensitive? He knows very well that I lack self-compliance and I am just starting to build my self-worth, but still, he have the guts to do this?"

Third, doing the Bargaining. The pleading of more time. Lines like, "Next school year, I'll be more the kind type. I will not be loud irritating. I will no longer tease and annoy you. I will allow you to copy my seatworks and really promise to share my foods. Just notice my existence as you notice her's."

Fourth, the worst feeling of Depression. It should be "I enjoyed our conversation." not "We enjoyed our conversation." The joyous feeling of loved by the person you love depressingly turned the other one-fold way. I assumed and fantasized that my story could be like those teenage novels I always read. The feeling is like cancer cell slowly consuming me. But I can say I am fortunate enough of not yet confessing my feelings beforehand. Everyone knows that the feeling of being unloved is worse, but the feeling of loosing the friendship you built for a long time just because you confessed something is the worst. It is the perks of letting feelings left unsaid.

Above all, reality is in close relation with Acceptance. As wound heals, and so do feelings. If we will not accept the reality and will not move on, we will not grow. As the saying goes "No pain, no gain." Every pain is meant for a purpose just like the example of a sharpened pencil. As I accepted the reality, God gave so many opportunities. I discovered my skills and potentials and have been elected to be one of the officers of our church's youth ministry. I understood what is meant by "focus" and utilize it to church and school responsibilities. After all, there are two major things I learned. First, let God direct you. Second, learn to accept.