13/31 (Kinda On Hold)

XXVI: The Rain

The pitter patter of the gentle rain surrounded us. The masses of people huddled under black rain umbrellas and cloaked in the color of mourning, formed a sea of sadness and black. I follow the white casket ahead of me, the weight of it being carried by six tall men all draped in black as the rain pours down on them.

Chris leads at the front, with Rob on his opposing side, the casket upon their shoulders, and a solemn look on their faces. The remaining weight of the casket being distributed between the remainder of the men carrying the casket.

Lord Taylor stands behind Chris, followed by Ivan Moody, a fellow general of Chris' from the war. A tall man with appearances similar to Chris brings up the rear, Kuza, as I was introduced to him as, and Lemmy Kilmister in front of him and his cowboy hat still in place, unmovable even as the rain hammered down upon them.

I felt them come, rolling down my cheeks for the umpteenth time, like rain during a monsoon. I don't fight them, there would be no point. Even as the parting crowd stares on and I walk behind the body of my mother.

I walk, staring only forward as the casket rests on my shoulder. I keep a solemn look on my face as I hear Scarlett's sobs following from behind the casket. She's lost the most important person in her life, the only person to have shown her kindness and love as she grew into the woman she is today. I would take all of her grief and carry the weight for her if I could, but I know I can't. All I can do is be there for her and comfort her as best I can, and it breaks my heart.

_____

The pile of flowers only continues to grow, the massive rainbow of condolences in the form of flowers is overwhelming. And as one by one for one I am delivered sorrow and condolences for my "loss", I can feel it slowly building up.

The memories or my mother, the shock from her death, and the constant replay of her final moments over and over in my head while I just stood there and watched. I feel as though I am drowning with no one to save me, though I'm unsure I want someone to save me. A part of me feels as though it would be easier to stop fighting and staying strong and just choke on my own tears instead.

But my babies would be along for the ride, and I couldn't hurt them if I tried. I couldn't leave Chris with the unbearable weight of loss, not only of myself, but of the children he would have forever dreamed of, but never gotten to hold. It would be unthinkable, and so I push it away, instead wiping away a stray tear as I thank another person for their support and love.

I loosely cling to him, feeling as though he is one of the only things still holding me to this world. My own being feeling far away from this existence.

Finally the last person walks away, and I let myself drop the facade, and control I have over myself, until only a thin veil remains holding me together. I clutch Chris' hand a little tighter, my eyes locked on the soaked grass beneath our feet. I hear the rain begin to pour down heavier, and the suffocating weight of her loss pounds down upon me, as though with every rain drop that fell, I was drowning deeper.

Chris begins tugging me forward, away from the weeping willow where we stood and closer to the casket as everyone prepares to watch it lower into the ground and be buried forever under the weight of six feet of dirt. I bury my face in the crook of his neck, my cheek resting upon the wet material of his suit. Watching simply makes it too real, the wound too fresh and only seems to grow deeper.

I watch as the white casket slowly disappears from view, being eaten up by the hole in the ground. Inch by inch until it reaches the bottom, painstaking and agonizing. I begin sobbing again, this time so strong my whole body shakes, and I lose my strength.