Masks Off Identities Out

Chapter Twenty

Day 45 

    45 days without Harry, Louis has gone 45 days without him. That's more than half of the time they dated. Louis hated thinking about Harry, he wanted to wipe every memory away, Louis blamed Harry's death on himself. For every time he thought of Harry he hated himself even more. Louis was locked up inside his and Zayn's room, Louis had reoccurring nightmares of Harry, every night he fell asleep he would awaken to Zayn yelling at him to wake up. As everyone else is getting better, Louis was getting worse. He knew he should at least try to move on, but it's easier said than done. Louis misses classes on a daily basis, very rarely does he ever leave his room nowadays. He hates how people only mourned over Harry for a minute and continued on with their lives, he wanted Harry to be remembered, he wanted Harry to know he deserved a few days of silence, he wanted Harry to know he was loved. 

    But Harry was loved, not by many but by the people who mattered to him the most. So why bother adding onto it? Because Harry deserved all the love in the world. Harry deserved more than he could give, but non of that mattered because he was gone. Gone from everyone's mind but the people who loved him. Harry implanted a special place in most people's heart, he had that effect on people, once you got to know Harry, you instantly fell in love with him. That's just how he came off as. So, no Louis could not move on yet. He wanted Harry and only Harry. But Harry was gone, and Louis reminded himself every day and hated himself even more for it. 

 Day 48 

     "Don't you think you should go to class now Louis? You've missed quite a few days." Zayn was now trying to get Louis out of the room, but it seemed impossible for almost everyone. "What's the point?" Louis mumbled. Zayn gave up and walked away. "I'll pick us up some dinner, I'll probably have Perrie come over." Zayn left and closed the door behind him. 

   Louis spent that day under the covers, in the dark. All alone. 

Day 53

    Louis went to class today, he had missed a little over a week. "Nice of you to join us Mr. Tomlinson." Mr. Shaw called out in the middle of a lecture. He continued on and Louis put his head down on the desk. Once it was time to leave Louis walked back to the dorm room with Niall. Louis liked Niall. Niall never brought up anything about Harry, Niall understood it was a sensitive subject for Louis, Niall kept it casual between them two even though he knew Louis was hurt inside. "So, last week, I met this girl, her name is Tara. She's a sweet heart, but maybe a little too sweet. But she's really cute and she's really shy which makes her 1000 times more attractive. But I'm still not sure if she likes me or not. I mean we've talked like four times already, is it too soon to ask her out on a date?" Louis shook his head as a reply. "I think you should go for it." 

    Louis stopped by his and Zayn's room before following Niall into his. "Free period is always the best period." Niall kicked his shoes off and turned the small TV on. "I know I don;t usually talk about things like this with you but it has to be asked. Not only am I worrying but everyone else around you. I mean it would be stupid to ask if you're alright because clearly you aren't, but like I mean, in all honesty like, I don't mean to insult you, but I think it's best if you like, you know, see a therapist." It was silent. Niall didn't dare look up to meet eyes with Louis and Louis didn't bother to even look at Niall. "I mean, if that's what you think." Was all Louis said. 

    "That's it? You're not going to like hit me or anything." Niall looked at Louis and waited for at least a slap. "Would you prefer I do?" Louis asked. "Uh no, not really." 

    "I mean I could if you wanted me to." Niall laughed and Louis just looked at him. "No s'all good, no need for any physical contact mate. But in all seriousness you'll do it?" Louis shook his head. "I didn't say I'd do it. I said if that's what you think.I'm not going to see damn therapist, I'm not mental." Louis explained. "I'm just getting over a death, I mean how else should I take it? This hasn't exactly been a cruise for me, or anyone else, people cope with things differently. I'm just taking longer to get over it." Louis got up from the couch and opened the door "I have to go I'll see you later." And with that Louis was gone. 

Day 55

    Louis had skipped another day of school, he didn't want to leave nor did he want to stay inside. He went out into the hallway to find it empty, he walked until he reached the familiar door that once was Harry Styles' dorm room. The room where Louis and Harry would have full on make out sessions, where Louis and Harry would have a quickie before and after classes, the room where Louis and Harry would talk and share secrets and smoke and drink and laugh. Louis turned the door knob and to his surprise it opened. No one had moved in yet, but it looked new. The bed was made, the brown tattered couch was gone, most of the rug stains were removed and there was not a single trace of Harry ever being in this room. Louis closed the door and sat on the floor which still had a faint smell of smoke on it. Louis found himself curled up in a ball crying, letting it all out once again. How was he supposed to cope with this? How was he supposed to 'just move on'? Louis couldn't do this alone, but he had to, for Harry. Louis wiped the tears and went back to his room to grab a jacket. He got Zayn's car keys and left a note. 'went out for a bit, took your car, thanks loads. -Louis' 

    Louis started up the car and drove away from the university. Once Louis got to the cemetery he quickly locked the car and ran to Harry's grave, which was right next to his mother and sister. Louis sat down on the grass and put the flowers that he had picked up down on on the grave stone. "Hey Haz, thought I'd stop by for a bit. Haven't been down here in a while anyways. Did I tell you we found your brown journal? Couldn't believe your last prank, broke our hearts a bit that you would have this planned. That you would try to kill yourself the night your mum died. That's not exactly the way to prank a person, but I never knew what went through your mind. I could never really tell. I don't know how to do this. I just don't. I don't know how to cope with you being gone. I can't fathom the thought of it, sometimes I wake up thinking you'll be right there. I'm losing it, I'm hanging by a thread." Louis took a pause, it was then he realized he was sobbing.

   "I'm pathetic. I can't even talk without fucking crying. God, I'm such a loser. I miss you. You should know that I really do. I mean, fuck Harry, there's just so much we planned for the future, we were planning on getting a house together, buying a grand piano, getting a cat, eventually getting married, we had it all layed out. Why did you leave all of a sudden? Why would you want to take your own life away? Why would you want to leave everyone that loves you? You left me Harry, you left me all alone and I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone tells me to move on but I can't, I just can't. It's only been almost two months, I can't move on now. The memory is still fresh. You left. I should've seen it coming, I blame myself for it. For you being gone, if I had gone with you I could've prevented it and you could still be here. But I didn't, I wasn't a knight in shining armour, I was being Louis, I was being oblivious Louis." Louis wiped the tears away and laughed a little.

    "Remember that one time, you were chasing me down the hall way and you fell on top of me and we got in trouble for being out past curfew? One of my favorite memories of us, was the day we first met and you took me to the lake to show me the reflection of the moon. I will never forget how beautiful it looked, because the most beautiful person was standing right next to me at one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed. I will never forget that day, or any other day we spent together, whether it was spent arguing or sleeping, I won't forget it." 

     "I won't ever forget it because I still love you. I still do. Still."