Lindir's version of The Rivendell dinner

A/N: okay, there are also moments in Rivendell which aren't in the film or book, so i made a bit up (you know what they were doing in the meanwhile)

also the idea came when i was writing a piece of the Middle Earth's Dirty Little Secrets collection where Legolas mentions one of Lindir's phrases

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It was just another fine day in the valley of Rivendell when all of a sudden I saw a tall figure with a pointy hat, which I assumed to be Gandalf, along with 14 little figures appear, far away in the entrance of the valley. 'please let them be hobbits. Please let the be hobbits.' I thought to myself but ofcourse, I could have already known by the smell that started to spread in the valley, that they were not hobbits.

But when they came closer my fear was proven rightfully. To my "relieve" only 13 of them turned out to be dwarves. 'Chin up! Smile on!' I thought to myself before walking towards Gandalf.

When he asked for Lord Elrond I thought 'Maybe, .... Just maybe, if I tell them he is not here, they will leave' . But as Gandalf always does, he started asking questions and just when he asked where My Lord was, Lord Elrond came back. My mood sank into my shoes.

Do not take me wrong, Gandalf and the hobbit could have stayed, but those nasty retarded dwarves! No, I can not understand how Lord Elrond could have welcomed them and offered them food. Could he not just give them a package of food and let them leave. They are dwarves and as if dwarves do not smell bad enough in normal circumstances, these have not had a bath in months. And worst of all, they were hungry dwarves!
But when Lord Elrond and his henchmen came to the circle where they were standing, they were almost attacked by those dwarves. What was wrong with them, they are in his realm and not otherwhise. Oh wait, they don't have a realm.

And there is not a bit of friendliness in that Thorin fellow. Immediately bitching when Lord Elrond talks to Gandalf.
And when they were offered food they were ready to attack again just because the Lord spoke our tongue.

"No, master Gloin. He is offering you food" Gandalf said and those idiot dwarves calmed down. Ofcourse, have you ever seen or heard a dwarf denying an offer for food. That will never happen.

However, so at last they stayed. And as always I can do anything Lord Elrond does not want to do himself.
It was about an hour before dinner when I found the hobbit wondering around. Admiring Imladris.

"hello" I said walking up to him. He told me his name was Bilbo Baggins and he came from The Shire. Bag End to be precisely. He said that he always wanted to see the elves and that he loved Rivendell.

We were interrupted by a dwarf named Kili. He did not smell or look as horrible as the others since he did not really have a beard and was a bit taller, but still he was a dwarf. So I made sure he sat down on the other side of Mr. Baggins.

While he was talking I discovered that he was much more well mannered than most dwarves and that he had a keen interest in elves. He even admitted that he did not really like the facial hair of dwarf women and that he was an archer. By the time he finished I had to leave the two to help Lord Elrond with the preparations for dinner. He had ordered extremely much food since dwarves always eat much.

When we came to supper, the dwarves were there within seconds. Ofcourse they were, greedy little dwarves. Kili and some other dwarves started talking about the two elf musicians. Kili liked the harpist I assumed but got nervous when his companions noticed and started saying stupid things. But he meant and suddenly they all started laughing about this. These dwarves are not only stupid racists but also bullies.

"13 dwarves and a halfling. Strange travelling companions Gandalf" My Lord Elrond said. Not strange, disgusting and very unamusing.

"These are the descendants of the house of Durin. They are noble, decent folk" Gandalf answered. Well Durin my ass! (well, actually rather not) Noble, decent folk? They are stealing our cutlery and everything else that's on the table!