I'm drowning. I'm being suffocated by my fears. I'm stuck in a rip-tide of emotion. Waves of deep sorrow crash into me over and over again. No matter how hard I push forward, I am pulled back into the black abysses of the ocean that is my mind. I flail and struggle to stay a float, but memories are pulling me down, down deep into a trench of depression. I am submerged in pure anxiety.
When ever I attempt to eat, I think of what happened that day. I haven't had a full meal in a month. I've changed. I used to be a happy, life loving person. Now life is a burden. My "friends" stopped hanging out with me because "I got boring". My dippy parents haven't got a clue of what happened. I mean, I haven't told a soul. I can't tell anyone. Whenever I try, the memories come flooding into my mind. They over power me. The memories haunt me. My mind is slowly being dissolved by the acid that is my memories. I thought something like this would never happen to me. I was so unaware. Someone so close to me would hurt me in such a way. Someoneone that I trusted with my life. How? How could someone ruin me in this way. How do you bring yourself to do something so horrific to someone? I hope I never find out. I hope I never want to completly wreck someone's life like the way mine is.
Theres just one thing I want to know. Why? Why would he do this to me? What have I ever done? He seemed like someone I could trust. I regret so many things. I blame it on myself. I must have been doing something wrong. Voices in my head whisper "it's your fault, Noelle" "you've must of done something wrong" "your useless. why do you even exist?" in the dark hours of the night.
I don't even trust myself. I've tried so hard. I flinch if someone walks past me. No one understands. No one gets me in a way that they would know something's wrong. No one even remotely cares about me. I never realised it until now. No one cares enough about me to know somethings wrong.
The pain of my own thoughts pierce me like an arrow. It feels like someone just shot a hole straight through my heart. The worrying thing is, i'm used to it. I'm used to feeling like I don't exist. And honestly, it hurts. It hurts in a way that I can't expain. It sort of feels like someone dropped an anvil on my heart, and then punched me in the chest.
And now, I have to get up and go to the hell hole called school. I have to act like nothing happened like i've been atmpting to (and failing) for the past month.
I stumble down the street towards the school. Then I have a realisation. Why bother? I litteraly have nothing to lose. I head to the park instead. I don't know why, it just feels like i'm supposed to go there. My light green eyes scan the lush trees that surround me. I begin to head towards benches when I here crying down by the pond. I tip toe over to see a boy about my age sitting on the grass next to the water with his hands over his face.
I go over and sit next to him. I have this wierd urge to comfort him. I put my hand on his shoulder and don't say anything. Saying "it'll be ok." is just pure bullshit. Asking him whats wrong is invasion of his privacy. So I just sit with him with my hand on his shoulder for twenty minutes when someting happens.
He turns his head to me and says "What happened to you?"
"Nothing..." I lie.
"I know you're lying. You didn't ask me anything. You didn't tell me I'll be fine, which means you're going through something as well. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." He responds, which startles me.
"I....." I just mumble. I don't know what to say. This complete stranger knows what I'm feeling.
So we just sit like that for what felt like hours. Then we just got up and went home. Nothing else was said.
So the next day, I go to the pond to see him sitting there again. So I just sit next to him and hold his hand. I toss chunks of bread to the ducks and watch the water ripple as the birds paddle over in a frenzy of hunger.
I brought sandwhichs for both of us and we just eat and don't talk. It's wierd, I don't even know his name, but I feel like i've known him for my entire life.
So we did this same things for days. I brought sandwhichs and we tossed bread to the ducks. Then one day, he spoke.
"Matt." he said.
"Hm?" I ask biting into my sandwhich.
"My name. It's Matt." he responded.
"Noelle." I answer.
