I am Titanium

Chappie Legit Stuff, Yep, FIVE

DAN'S POV

I woke at, approximately, eight in the morning. My awakening was like death metal on steroids pumped up to 1,000+. But a bajillion thousand times worse.

Do you know what it is like waking up IN BATMAN--BATMAN I TELL YOU--UNDERWEAR, UPSIDE DOWN, HANGING OFF OF A KITCHEN CABINET, WITH BLOODY PHIL MOLESTER TWERKING IN YOUR DUCKING FACE?!

"WHAT THE BLOODY, DUCKING FUDGE NUGGETS!?" I spluttered when I woke. Phil's buttcheeks were suffocating me. "I can't breath through your buttcheeks, Phil!"

Phil Molester grinned and flopped his head-mop (hair) to the other side. "Oh," he giggled feindishly, "You're up."

"No! I am upside down!" I screeched. Suddenly, I felt sickly. Oh, shiz, I thought. By body shifted and I slammed into the hard floor of the kitchen. "Ow," I pouted lamely.

I was sprawled out on the floor, freezing in only the Batman knickers. My cheek was pressed against a different cabinet.

Suddenly, realization creeped into my thoughts, alongside a jumbled string of colorful words, "WHO THE HELL CHANGED MY UNDERWEAR?" I scrambled up, into a straight-backed sitting position. Trying, and failing, to look foreboding withBatman's face on my crotch and the Joker kissing my butt. "I will bomb the universe."

"Why do you think I bought those gloves and the gasmask?" Phil answered, "And don't forget the new pair of tongs I snuck in the cart."

I started hyperventilating and felt me few muscles tense, "You. Little. ARSE!" I shrieked at the defendant, who was pleading guilty very smugly. Shifting into a crouch,I tensed my legs to spring. Before Phil could say geronimo, I leaped onto his torso and poked him in the sides.

Phil screamed, "STOP! STAHP!" he begged, "What do you want from me?"

"Get me a bag of Maltesers before noon," I declared, imperitively.

"Yes, Dan," he saluted, grabbed his keys off of the counter and scrambled out the door.

I leaned back againstthe counter and sighed. Eventually, I stood and stumbled towards my room. I couldn't remeber if I dressed in fandom clothes, or crashed onto my duvet with some zzzzzzz's.