Lost. One word. So many meanings. In this case, my case, it means mentally lost. I don't know where I am going in life and I can't remember where I've been. Though honestly, that last part is mainly my fault. I'm the one who chose to screw everything up, after all, no one forced me to become the family disappointment. I made that decision all alone. I do everything alone, again a decision I made, however, this time I had help. No one wants to anything with me, not that I mind that much anymore. The fewer people I'm involved with the fewer relationships I can fuck up. I do that a lot, fuck things up, I mean, it seems to be my only God-given talent but I can't recall what I did to piss her off, must have done something though. Maybe it was something I did in a past life, maybe it was something I did in my 19 years of living but I forgot about it or maybe I didn't do anything at all and it was someone else. Whatever it is I wish God would stop punishing me for it. I mean I already said sorry; what more does she want?
19 years of life, exactly 19, to the day. As you can tell I'm having a great birthday. Absolutely amazing. That was sarcasm if you couldn't tell. This year this day is all about my twin sister, which doesn't make it any different from every other birthday I've had. Ever. It's like I'm an extra in the Amber show. Amber is my sister, the pretty, popular one. This has always confused me as we have the exact same face but apparently she looks better wearing it than I do. She is the child my parents actually wanted, I was an unexpected and unwanted surprised. They didn't know I was coming until the delivery room when I showed up 7 minutes after my sister. Which was made clear with my name; Jane. Clearly a last-minute name, I know this because I was named after the women on the tv when my mum was wheeled back to her room. They say they love me, my family, and I'm sure they do but it will never be as much as they love Amber. This year she got a new car so of course, I got her old car... a car that seems like its older than me, which it probably is. They say I act out too much, and maybe I do but I don't mean to; it's like I can't control myself and then the next thing I know I have messed something up...again. Like today, for instance, Amber threw a party like she does every year, and like every year everyone we know came. And then I trip and amber is wearing the cake. I couldn't even tell you what I tripped on so obviously I'm "jealous that amber is getting more attention than me" and "ungrateful for the effort we went through to make this a special day for your sister. And you of course. " Well, at least that's what my parents said before I left. Now I'm driving around in a beat-up car on my way to nowhere.
Nowhere turned out to be the Macdonalds drive-thru. A healthy choice, I know, but it's my birthday so I can treat myself if I want to, I mean someone needs to. After eating, I drove around for a little longer before deciding to go and watch the sunset on the hill by my house. It sounds so romantic but in reality, it's just sad doing things like that alone. Not that that stops me, I'm the kind of person who does what they want when they want and doesn't care what everyone else thinks; or at least I try to be but anyone who says they 100% doesn't care what people think are lying and we all know it. Everyone cares a little. I care a lot. More than I probably should; not that I show people this. Why would I? Insecurities are weaknesses that can be used against you and I really don't need anything else for my sister to tease me about. Plus she already knows everything else about me. Literally everything. It makes sense we have the same DNA and also she read my journal. I stopped writing one after that. Apparently, she'd been doing it for years but I only found out last month.
Generation Why by Conan Gray suddenly started blasting through my phone, upsetting the silence.
"Hello," I answered the call.
"Amber has gone!" My mum panicked down the line.
"Again..." I mumbled. "I'm sure she'll come back mum, calm down"
"Calm down!? How can I calm down when one of my children is missing?" mum all but yelled back at me.
"This isn't the first time shes disappeared after she doesn't get her way and she always comes back. There is no reason to think she won't this time." I replied in a slightly annoyed tone.
" Stop with the attitude and go look for her. Now! Dad is out too." she hung up before I could reply.
I sighed and stayed where I was for a couple more moments enjoying the view before getting up to find Amber. She does this every time something in her life goes even slightly wrong. Today It would have been the party. She always shows up a few hours later. Or I find her at her friends' house probably bitching about me.
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Authors Note.
Chapter two should be out within the next couple of days. Maybe even today at some point.
Criticism is welcome and very much appreciated! Don't be flat out mean.
-C
YOU ARE READING
Lost Potential.
General Fiction"lost potential" In your closet filled with golden braids, you marry yarn to your skin; Wrapping every indifference like a cat that has been reined in. You will never remember honesty; Not like you did before, because guilt has set his spell on you ...
