navy blue

chapter one

There's nothing like summer nights that have been cooled by the rain. I take advantage of these nights by wearing hoodies and sleeping with a shirt on, just because I can without melting in my unair-conditioned bedroom. These are also the best nights for walks because, despite the lack of working street lamps and the risk of getting jumped, it was remarkably peaceful and quiet throughout the surrounding blocks. I find it more difficult to be bored on these nights. The rain means more than just extra layers; it brings the toads out to play, makes catching lightning bugs more enjoyable, and leaves yards smelling like earth. Parents sit on front porches while their children play past their bedtimes. The grass gets their feet wet and the uneven pavement forms warm puddles that will evaporate with the next rising sun. The cool air reminds us what it feels like to be able to breathe before humidity strikes again.

That all seemed pretty poetic for a kid like me, as I sat on a wet patio, knees tucked up to my chest, staring at my dirty sneakers, alcohol warm in my veins. There was a girl sitting next to me. Her name was Katie and she had long, black hair and a hoop through her lip, so when we kissed, I couldn't stop thinking about that little hoop and what might happen if I accidentally ripped it out. No matter where I grabbed her or what I thought about, my thoughts kept running right back to that piercing. That little piece of jewelry was so distracting that I eventually decided that making out with her wasn't worth it.

I'm sure that Katie was a nice girl and all, but at this point, I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to go home, but I couldn't get myself there without my friends. I wouldn't have minded her following me outside so much if she was being quiet. She kept trying to talk to me. She pointed out that there was a really loud cricket somewhere to our right, and that she could feel the wetness of the patio soaking through her pants to her skin, and that it was kind of cold outside despite how hot it'd been that afternoon, and that there was a toad on the edge of the patio a few feet away from us. I either hummed a response or offered nothing at all. I think she got the memo because she stopped talking altogether and instead just sighed every so often. It made no difference to me. The toad at the edge of the patio had all of my attention now.

My senior year of high school was due to start in three weeks and I'd spent the majority of the summer in my bedroom or at home babysitting my younger brother and sister. I'd taken them to the zoo twice, but that was the extent of my family fun time and the closest I'd ever get to vacation. In actuality, it was the farthest thing from a vacation because my four year old sister had a meltdown over cotton candy both times we went, so we had to leave early. And there's nothing more embarrassing than having to wrestle with your baby sister and carry her out of the place over your shoulder.

Every couple of weekends, and even the occasional weeknight, though, when my mom and step-dad didn't have me locked away in my tower parenting the children they never had time for, I went out with my friends. Shelby, Justin, and Matt were pretty much the only things keeping me sane despite a step-dad who hated not only me, but pretty much everything around him, and a mother who never seemed to take my side. We usually hung out at Shelby's house because her mom was always out of it and pretended not to know we were getting smashed in her basement. Sometimes, though, we'd go to shows at people's houses because Matt was an aspiring drummer, and we went to a few parties because Justin had a hotshot football player older brother that made for a nice connection.

Tonight was a show night, and somehow I'd been convinced to actually perform in front of a group of people. For the past year, we'd been meeting in Matt's garage nearly every night after school for "band practice," even though Justin and I had no real desire to be in a band and we only sort of took it seriously for Matt's sake. Matt really wanted to be a drummer in a band.  And I guess I could sing well enough, and Justin could play the guitar, so we'd sing Cerebral Uproar songs and call ourselves a tribute band. Cerebral Uproar was Matt's favorite band, and I shared a last name with the singer, which I thought was pretty cool. We called ourselves "Intellectual Riots," which I also thought was pretty cool. It made us sound a lot more badass than we really were.

Anyway, the actual performance hadn't gone bad at all. I think we were actually pretty good. People there seemed to agree, which is how I'd ended up with Katie in the first place. Plus a few beers. You know when something should feel right but it just doesn't? And you don't even know where to begin explaining why?

"Parker!" I whipped my head around, and there was Shelby standing in the doorway. She'd come to rescue me. Thank God. I stood up as quickly as I could manage, forgetting all about Katie, and as I shuffled closer to the door, I could see Matt and Justin standing in the doorway behind her. I pushed through them into the stuffy kitchen. "Who was she?"

I shrugged and started pushing past people to get to the front door. Shelby was always so interested in every girl I talked to. "You been drinking, P?" Matt asked, like the god damn helicopter mother he was. He was a dedicated straightedge who swore he didn't care about what other people did, but asked a million questions that certainly made it seem like he cared. I didn't answer him. 

The house wasn't too crowded, which wasn't surprising. It was a Tuesday night, after all. I still managed to quite literally body slam a girl in the middle of the living room. She was wearing a baggy, ripped up t-shirt, tucked into a tight skirt that hardly went past her fingertips. Her high heels made her stumble when I ran into her, but of course superhero Justin caught her by the wrist, sending her into a fit of nervous, blushy giggles. "Hey, you're the one who sang tonight, right?" She was looking at me now, and she seemed genuine, like she was really into our performance.

I opened my mouth to respond but Matt cut me off, leaning over my shoulder with his arm out and a piece of paper in his hand. He had printed out posters advertising the performance we had planned for next Saturday. "Yup, pretty good, isn't he? We're playing again next Saturday. You should come check it out." He was beaming. Music made him stupid. She took the paper from him and thanked him and we all kept walking. Except Justin, who hung back to talk to her. He was almost notorious for being the school's man whore, but he wasn't really. He was definitely not the type of guy to tie himself down, but he never led anyone to believe that he was.

Walking out of the door, I bumped into a guy walking in. I found myself weirdly agitated at my struggle to just get to the car. It felt like when your earbuds get caught on something and rip out of your ears and you're suddenly full of so much rage you're sure to turn green at any moment.

"Sorry," he said softly. He was shorter than me and had pale skin and dark hair. He was grinning up at me, which made me want to punch him. But I didn't actually want to hit him. Matt guided me away from him before I could respond at all, and I was feeling oddly bummed about it.

Matt drove Shelby and me back to Shelby's house, where I spent the night on her basement floor. As I lay on the floor in my hoodie, I thought about the night. It had all felt like it happened so fast even though we had been there for hours. I felt far away from it all.

I thought about how surprisingly liberating it had been to play songs I'd been practicing for months with my best friends, and how good it felt knowing that people genuinely enjoyed it. I thought about Katie and her lip ring, and about why it took a few drinks for me to feel comfortable around any girl who showed an interest in me. I thought about that short, pale boy who smiled when he ran into me. I shut my eyes and tried to remember what color his eyes were. I fell asleep before I got any answers.