Zoro's Random Files

my red painters make me bitchy and offensive

WARNING, THIS IS GOING TO BE QUITE RACIST, OFFENSIVE, AND OVERALL JUST PLAIN MEAN. MY PERIOD TURNS ME INTO A LARGE ASSHOLE. I DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST ANY RACE THAT I MENTION BELOW. I LOVE EVERYONE ♡♡♡♡

*in the parking lot of Protein Bar with my little sister*
*I notice a convertible with the top open parked next to us*
Me: What the fuck?! Whoever owns that car is asking for a bird to take a shit in it!
Ellie: *laughs*
Me: I hope a fucking big-arse flock of geese use your car as their fucking shitting hole, because your stupid arse deserves it.
*A rather large Asian mother struggles to squeeze between the space between our car and the one across from us, with two little kids*
Me: Looks like someone needs to lay off the fucking rice balls. And...wait, what the fuck is that kid holding? Is he holding a drumstick or a breadstick? If that's a breadstick, what the fuck is he doing waving it around? Is he a fucking idiot?
Ellie: *laughing very hard*
Me: Holy shit, look at the size of that guy's forehead! Hey buddy, does your forehead have its own fucking timezone? I bet an Uber would cost $600 to go from your hairline to your chin!
Ellie: Oh my god Emma you're gonna make me pee my pants!
Me: Jesus Christ on a breadstick, Ellie! You aren't a fucking baby anymore, if you piss yourself I'm gonna bitch slap you back to the Ming Dynasty!
Ellie: Just hope Mom doesn't come in while you're roasting every person who comes in your line of sight.
Me: I don't give a shit. She's a worse swearer than me. *notices fat man getting out of car* Holy shit, dude. I don't think going to Protein Bar will help you now.
Ellie: I think he heard you!
Man: *comes over to window* God gave us a mouth to speak, but you are misusing yours, young lady.
Me: Well, God gave us a mouth to eat, too, but clearly you've abused that privilege, sir.
Man: *speechless*
Me: Now then, if you would be ever so kind as to go away, I would greatly appreciate it. *man walks off*
Me: Ellie, close the fucking window!
Ellie: Okay. *closes window*
Me: What the fuck did you open it for, dipshit?
Ellie: I don't know.
Me: .........for fuck's sake, Ellie.
*spots a minivan not too far away*
Me: Oh look, it's a rape van. Stay in the car, Ells, don't let them ruin whatever innocence I haven't ruined yet.
Ellie: How do you know it's a rape van?
Me: I just know one when I see one. Don't fucking question my knowledge. Of the two of us, who is the one with the IQ of over 100?
Ellie: *points at me* You are.
Me: Good girl. *pats Ellie on head*
Me: Now, as for that ugly-ass bitch over yonder... *points at lady getting out of car with an umbrella*...her IQ is so fucking low, I'd have created a tunnel going all the way through the Earth before I got low enough to find it.
*Suddenly, Mum comes back into car with bags*
Me: *innocent and sweet tone* Hey, Momma! Did you get your food?
Mum: Yep. How are you feeling, Emmy?
Me: I'm still in pain, but I'll be okay. Are we going home now?
Mum: Yes, sweetie. *starts car*
Me: *gives Ellie a look*
Ellie: *softly snickers*
Me: *holds finger to lips and grins evilly*

Welp, there ya go, mates. Keep in mind that this is how I act when I'm on my period only. I would never say this otherwise. I mean no harm or offense to anyone reading this. Until the next update, Keep Training, Mates!
~ Neko Roronoa Zoro