alignment | me

011

i haven't been posting on here, because i kinda lost the urge and reason why i do.

i hope this'll be a book where I'll be able to talk to mutuals, friends, readers, and followers on here. i honestly am the worse when it comes to replying. i apologize to everyone who has to deal with me as a friend, and thank you for being so patient and kind.

i also been feeling distanced from humanity, and the purpose of life over all. i've been sick for like 2 months, and haven't been receiving a lot of nutrients bc i'm restricted.

this summer, i had plans to do break bad habits, (cue mOTDOEN BEOLEUTCHEOLEOM DWAEBELIN GEUGE) be productive, change my lifestyle.

i'm always like you'll regret this if you don't do this, but i think of this in the wrong situation, for example instead of applying this thought to being productive, i do it to the internet and waste time, energy, effort, hope, dreams, and myself and everyone that has to deal with me.

however, all i've done this past june (it's the first of august) is go to summer school, which lasts to noon, and worsen my eyesight.

i'm disappointed in myself, there's many things i've done to hopefully make/force myself to do certain things, but i end up tackling them with a really bad and cancerous mindset. and i end up not accomplishing the task. this is honestly a really toxic habit, and i don't know what to do. i always end up distracted, and my parents want the best for me, heck they just want me to be happy, while i have a bad attitude, lifestyle, and routine.

they spent unnecessary money on me, and they get my hastily thought actions in return, which I regret. sometimes i end up lashing out on people i care a lot about.

i feel like i'm wandering in a foreign country (time), and doing bad practices (lifestyle). for example, yesterday i had plans, scrapped. today, plans, scrapped.

i'm the level of a rat, with no good qualities within myself.
i feel like there's so much in my life to do, and so little. the best that I can present is my success. i can't even get on the path. my parents spent money on classes, so I can hopefully get into a specific program. i've always liked this particular thing, but i'm horrible at it when it comes to practicing.

i always end up disappointing people, and when i do i take care of the situation in a bad way. i haven't done anything good or right. i would say help me please, but it's not possible it's all my fault, and unless i dig myself out of this hell hole.

i don't know what to say, jebal.