I solemnly swear that I miss you

Chapter one | ɘnO ɿɘƚqɒʜƆ

Don't judge my english please, It's not my first language. I'm trying. This is my first English book.
Also, I'm probably going to change title a couple of times because I always change my mind.

Tuesday, November 17th 1998

I came after my brother, the first of april , and he was the one that screamed the loudest. He has always been... more, than me. Not a bad thing. Not for him, I'm nothing without him. Not that I remember it, but mom has told me. Before he left us, of course. We don't mention him anymore, because nobody wants to see me cry. I don't judge them, but it's starting to get hard to keep it all by myself. We have curtains in front of every mirror in the house, because I always get caught staring into them,  with tears in my eyes. And as I said, no one wants to see a sad George. Even though they do all the time.

I am just, good at hiding it. Me and Fred bought an apartment in Diagon Alley but I don't live there, I don't want to be alone. And it still smells Fred. I want to keep it like that.

I look around my bedroom, and I see my face in the window. I start playing spot the difference, I do that often nowadays.

I have chubbier cheeks. One ear. Longer hair. But I still imagine that it is Fred that stares at me through the window, as a ghost. As anything. Why didn't he just become a ghost? I could kill myself and join him and we could prank people all the time. I want to kill myself anyways.

Do that, George. You  will meet Fred again and you two will live a happily ever after, I hear myself say.
I reach after my wand. After this, I will never be forgiven. But after all, it's an unforgivable spell. I stare at it before I press the top of it against my chest.

Just do it

I have tried a couple of times, but I always chicken out the last seconds and stop myself.

"Avad..."

"George, the dinner is getting cold!"

A tear is streaming down my chin. I hear Ginny's small steps coming up the stairs. I drop my wand and pretend to be staring at the window. I hear two light knocks and a creak from the door, I continue staring. I don't have to pretend anymore. I'm stuck.

"George..." She closes the curtains in front of my eyes and sits down besides me.

"I'm coming"

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

I know that she does, but I don't want her to be worried about me. "Why is your wand..." I close my eyes.

"Have you tried to kill yourself again?"

"No"

"Stop lying"

"Then stop asking"

"Fine"

It's an awful silence between us for what feels like minutes, and I almost have to say something.

"I just... "

"You just, what? You are not the only one that's suffering, can you imagine how mum would react to another dead son? How would Ron feel? Don't you think about me? How I would feel?"

"You don't understand! I fucking care! If I didn't care, I would rip of every single curtain in this house and let myself rot in front of a mirror, I would talk about Fred with mom and dad and everyone, with tears running down my cheeks and I wouldn't care about you being worried about me, and I wouldn't try to get over it, because I don't try to do that because of that I want to. It's for everyone around me"

"I..."
"I heard voices"
"What voices?"

"My own. They said that I would see him if I killed myself. I mean, the real him. Not just my reflection..."
"That is not true. We don't know what happens after death, maybe, everything is pitch black" Ginny says, and I know.
"I just want him to give me a sign, but he never does..."
"That is because he is dead"
"Stop it"

"He is dead and you can do nothing about it besides moving on"
"You don't think I care about you, because of that I tried to kill myself, don't you?"
"I never said that"
"You did"
"I didn't mean it" I look into her beautiful eyes that's full of love. She is telling the truth.
"I'm hungry now, Let me eat or I'll die" I say, joking as always, running down the stairs with Ginny behind me. She doesn't laugh.

"I'm going to hang out with Harry and Hermione at 8 and Im probably going to sleep over at Hermiones apartment" Says Ron. I wonder what he is going to do there. I wink at him when mom's not watching. He laughs quietly.

"Do you have any plans, George?"
"Yeah me and Lee will maybe do some stuff"

It's a lie, I haven't done something with him for months, but maybe I should send him a letter. Yeah, I'll probably do that. After the dinner.

I go upstairs and grab a pen and paper and start writing. I swear loudly when I realize that it is one of me and Fred's fake pens that sprays ink into the one that's writing. Fuck. I grab my wand and try to wash my face and it goes quite well. I grab another pen.

Hi Lee!

We haven't talked for a while and I wondered if you wanted to do something someday?
I know that nothing's going to get back to how it was but I'm starting to feel alone. Everyone just treats me like a little emotional child that can start screaming at any time, like, I am kind of but you know what I mean. Or maybe you don't.
When you get this, just transfer yourself into my room some time on friday. If you want too, of course. If not, then just send a letter back.

"Ron, can I borrow Pig?"  I scream through the wall.
"Sure, come here"
"Can't she come to me instead?"
"She doesn't listen"
"But I don't want to walk"
"Transfer then"
"Okay fine"
The next second I'm in his room. He reads a magazine about some Quidditch team, I haven't really followed the news so I don't know.

"Just take her"
"Okay"

I tie the letter to Lee to her left leg and she flies away to the sky.