Rough Night ✓

v. altschmerz

v.

a l t s c h m e r z

(n.) weariness with the same old issues that you've always had - the same boring flaws and anxieties you've been gnawing on for years

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THE NEW YORK City traffic was the only force in the world so wild and untamed that there was no solution to defeating it. Walk the sidewalks - get too close for comfort with strangers, the feeling of your skin crawling as if desperate to escape discomfort with the unknown sensations of unknown bodies. Take the subway to and fro - take the chance at the dangers of the underground, exposing yourself to the desperate and determined, who'd do anything to escape from what was keeping them below. Go by the streets - fight through the inevitable build-up and just hope to whatever God is listening that it doesn't fight back or even fight itself.

No matter what in the world seemed to be happening, there was always a reliable feeling of claustrophobia in the city I called home, a sense that everything and everyone was piled up on top of each other and it never seemed like there was anywhere to go. Even when I retreated into my work, I felt comfortable for just a minute, but if Declan and my tangible problems couldn't find me, then my intangible ones would.

Yet I was here with Aven, who had the sense to crack open a back door so we could both escape. I had my apprehensions at first and I hadn't let go of them, but he got me out of my head and out of a very toxic, claustrophobic environment for me as well. Now we were caught in this tiny space together, us and the driver but he seemed to pay us no mind. It didn't feel that sinister, to invade each other's spaces though, even for people who wanted all the distance in the world from other people until they could learn to face their inner demons as well. I felt strange here, different, comfortable in ways I never had. Maybe because Aven was a stranger and maybe because we were people who wanted nothing right now, but knew we were all each other had - there was an empathy between us in this space that I had all but forgotten how to feel.

It seemed, with that shared power between us, we were able to fight back against the world a little. Because I was extremely shocked when our cab had pulled up along the side of the opera house. Of course, it wasn't a smooth glide to the finish - our driver had to honk at some ride-share car that was blocking the parking spot, but when they finally left, he was able to ease his way in.

And the uneasiness crept back into me.

Aven seemed none the wiser, his face still trained forward the way it was when we gratefully ran out of things to talk about because the silence was enough for me. He didn't seem to realize that this was when the noise came back in and we would both be drowned out forever.

He did intend on bringing me with him, that was what I was practically owed since he thought he could break into my place of work for somewhere to hide, that wasn't the issue. But once he got me in, he would be back among all the things he was hiding from, all the manifestations of grief around him, all the things that reminded him of what he lost. All of the familiarity of his life worth keeping, his life before he crashed into mine.

And just like that, he would lose me.

"How much do I owe you," he asked the driver, leaning up towards the partition that divided us from him. The driver said some small, inconsequential amount that was followed by a look of surprise on his face as Aven slid some crumpled up twenty dollar bills through the partition. "It's a tip," he added with a shrug at both of our confused gazes.

Getting over what I just saw, I decided to open the door and thank the driver before fully stepping out. A cold wind blew past me, just like everything else, and I wrapped my coat more tightly around myself because it was all I would be left with. After this, after everything, I would return to my storefront in the morning, unlock the door, and set up all the machines that needed setting up - and what would he return to?

It was hard to gage as he followed me out of the cab through the door I left opened, shutting it behind me and tapping the hood before it sped off into the night.

He had everything in the world except who he lost and I had nothing except who I found tonight, he could've left by now and forgotten all about me. But maybe I had to be less afraid because I knew he was too. We were both hurting and he was offering us both a chance to heal. No matter what happened, I knew it would be for the better, even if we never crossed paths again. I just had to prepare myself for the possibility.

He smiled down on me, a genuine look on his face that told me things were ending but he was glad they were ending like this. And who knew if it was really ending, if we were going back to who we were before this. We always had New York, we just needed another rough night to soften each other up.

"Are you ready?" Aven asked, bending his arm out so that I could link it in mine as we walked together.

Was I?

THE END