Today is gonna be the day of my own destruction by witnessing the union of the two most precious hearts in my life. It seems like a nightmare holding back the tears with trembling hand.
Now is the time to celebrate the biggest and the most anticipated event in my family's lives. They're bound to make this done but years delayed. I am the reason why.
Everyone is having fun at the upcoming wedding. Everyone is looking forward to seeing the bride while she is wearing the most expensive wedding dress of all, congratulating that it was the most beautiful on that day.
Wearing a wedding gown that obviously costs a fortune for an hour-long wedding ceremony. But that doesn't matter just to become perfect on that very special day.
I took a deep breath and paid attention to my hands. I held tight onto the two bouquets in it. The bride's on my right and the left is for me, as I am part of the entourage later. Later I will hand the bouquet to my right over to the bride. But as i held on to it, it seemed as if my hands would not reach out.
Thinking about that.. once a day would come, I am the one walking to the altar and I own the right bouquet.
Thinking about that.. sometimes, one day my beloved waits for me at the altar and simultaneously faces God.
I wish I could one day be praised for being the most beautiful bride while throwing in a scramble and dreaming of the best bouquet of all.
That one day, I will no longer be just a brides maid at the wedding of the person i loved most...
...and the day will come when he will love me as much as he loved my sister.
But i knew that day would never come again so even though I was wrongly gambled...
...even if I regret doing this, I can at least tell myself that I have been brave and that I have fought the one I love.
Even in the way i know, it is a big mistake in the eyes of everyone. I am gambling to be a bride and not just a brides maid at this wedding.
"Yennie, pinagsabihan kana namin tungkol sa gagawin mo at hindi kami nagkulang sa pagpapaalala sayo na mali ito." Ani Chaise na nasa tabi ko.
She looks sad at my decision. Ngunit naging bingi ako sa lahat at ngumiti ng pilit. Buo na ang desisyon ko.
"Ate Yennie. Baka magkagulo lang kaya wag mo nang ituloy ang balak mo." Our baby Umgie sadly muttered. She clung her arms on my right hand and looked up to me with a sad face.
Wala sa sariling umiling ako sakanya. I heard her sniffs. But my senses were gone by the image of the wedding keep playing in my head. I feel like a glass bead ready to break any minute now.
"We know your decisions are always calculated. But why putting your guard down now? Hindi iyan ang alam naming ikaw, Yennie." Hannah sounded so disappointed but I ignored it. Parang naging manhid na ako sa lahat.
Isa si Hannah sa mga taong nakakapag-patino sa akin sa mga desisyong alam nilang mali ako. Pero bakit parang hindi ko yata kayang makinig sakanya ngayon. Ngayong mas kailangan kong tumino sa mga bagay na naiisip kong gawin at iyon ay mali.
"Hindi niyo kasi ako naiintindihan." Bulong ko sa aking sarili ngunit alam kong rinig rin nilang lahat iyon.
"Kailan kaba namin hindi naintindihan at hindi inintindi?" Si Ynah ang narinig kong bumara sa sinabi ko na alam kong sasabihin rin ng iba kung nauna silang magsalita.
Even my best pal Ynah, will never understand me. Kahit ako hindi narin maintindihan ang aking sarili.
Subalit sa pintuan ng simbahan nakapokus ang aking mga mata at maging ang mga tenga pilit na nakikinig sa usapan ng iba pang mga abay doon na masayang pinupuri ang kagandahan ng dekorasyon sa kasal. Sarado ang isip sa mga positibong dahilan para hindi matuloy ang masamang iniisip.
Sinong mag-aakalang maririnig ko sakanila ang mga salitang iyon ngayon. Galing mismo sa mga taong alam kong mahal ako at minamahal ko. Sila na sumusuporta sa akin sa lahat ngunit ngayon at sumasalungat sa akin.
I took a deep breath and waited Sam to nag about my wrong thinking.
But I heard nothing only silence from her. And when I look at her, her eyes were filled with disappointment.
And at that same moment I lost my self and I'm losing our friendship too.
Sam knows everything about us even we barely share our private issues to her. But there's something about Sam na nalalaman lahat. In detailed version.
No matter how deep we bury our pains, malalaman at malalaman niya. She's like a spy disguised as mother to us.
She's the mother in this friendship. She knew, always knew what's best for us. But I am somewhat torn of her silence towards this very crucial moment happening to my life.
Was she that disappointed to me that she came to the point where she would never tell me and let me do the wrong thing?
I want her to get angry at me and scold me. I'm waiting for her to raise her voice and slap me with the truth that I'm selfish if I would consider stopping the wedding.
I know, I'm numb now. But Sam can stop. She'll always can.
But she didn't. Kaya gagawin ko ang bagay na magiging dahilan nang aking pagkasira sa sarili kong pamilya at mga kaibigan.
My mind is crying, because I want someone to stop me and say I'm wrong. I may seem brave outside but I'm like a clear glass bead inside ready to break minutes now.
It's time...
... to break my own heart.
