Kelsey’s Point of View:
“When Jazzy died…” Justin paused, furrowing his eyebrows as he closed his eyes, straining to remember the distant past. “I lost myself completely.” He murmured his voice so low, you couldn’t possibly make out a syllable of what he spoke but I heard him. I heard him loud and clear.
Running my fingers through his hair, I massaged his scalp, relaxing him as he leaned into my touch, his head laid comfortably on my lap. I let him talk; wanting to hear what it was that he had to say.
“I broke things, I screamed, I yelled, I accused people of doing things they didn’t do… I even had thoughts about killing myself.” He shook his head, pain evident on his face as he relived the memory. “I thought that if she had to die because of me, I might as well do the same for her.”
I held my breath, my chest tightening at what he had just confessed to me. Panning my hand against the side of his face, I inwardly took a deep breath, letting it all sink in.
“I was going through a lot emotionally and I just wanted it all to be over.” He whispered, his teeth digging into the skin of his bottom lip. “I knew what had happened with Jazzy was my fault. I know it wasn’t intentional but it was because of me that she ended up there in the first place and it was because of me that Jason blew up the warehouse.”
“You couldn’t have known he would do that…” I encouraged, trying to ease his pain but deep down, I knew that nothing could erase the mental scars it left behind.
“That doesn’t matter. The point is, my sister died that night when it should have been me.” Tightening his hold on my waist, he dug his head deeper into my stomach. “I fucked up.” He mumbled, “I ruined everything and it took Jazzy’s death for me to finally… snap.”
So many questions swarmed my head all at once and I was itching to find the answers but I knew that if I gave him time, he’d answer them all on his own.
“I was home alone one night when I had trashed the house.” Justin sighed, loosening his grip on me. “I was sitting down on the couch with my head in my hands and it all just kept replaying over and over again… her piercing scream and the explosion… I couldn’t get it out of my head. No matter how much I drank, her voice was still fresh in my mind. It was as if I was still in that warehouse with her just a foot away from me.”
I continued stroking his hair, watching as he relaxed under my touch. “I found my gun on the floor. It must have fallen when I was throwing everything and something triggered inside of me and I picked it up. I don’t know what came over me but before I knew it, I held it to my head. I was frozen, lost in time until John came home and found me.”
Swallowing hard, I laid my head back against the wall, not wanting to think about the what-ifs and what my life would be like if he had actually taken it all a step too far.
How somebody so strong could be so vulnerable inside was mindboggling and it hurt me seeing him like this. All I wanted to do was take the pain away from him, to reassure him that everything was going to be okay. He’s been through enough and the last thing any of us need is for him to go through that all again.
I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything ever happened to him.
“He asked me what I was doing and I just… sat there. I didn’t say anything until he walked over and saw the gun for himself. He coaxed me into handing it over while asking me questions and all I could do was stare at him.” Rubbing his forehead with his hand, Justin twisted his body so that he was fully lying on his back with his head facing upwards making it easy for me to look into his glazed eyes. “I knew I couldn’t justify what I had been doing or make up an excuse. He knew… he knew I had cracked.”
