Flows

Does it flow both ways?

Have you got color in your cheeks?
Do you ever get the feeling that you can't shift the tide?

Cold December air hits my face as I watch you from a distance, everyone's pale with chapped crimson noses and cheeks from the harsh weather. I want to come by and feel your warm embrace.

 Ah, there's some aces up your sleeve
Have you no idea that you're in deep
I dreamt about you nearly every night this week  

If the chilling air that creeps into my room every night wasn't enough, I wake up in a cold sweat every night. I remember that November evening when life just completely clicked into place and I finally felt happy. I felt as if I were a puzzle, almost complete but not quite. You came into my life and clicked, clicked like the sound of a gun being cocked. The gun I've looked at every night since. 

  How many secrets can you keep?
'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow
When I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep
Spilling drinks on my settee  

I close my eyes and I remember that day. The day when we sat next to each other on the bus. When I confessed my heart to you, the deep sky in the background cascading shadows over you, making us almost complete silhouettes. I told you many things over the months, how many of them did you remember? How many of them did you share to others? Did you share our song and the meaning behind it? Did you kiss and tell? 

  (Do I wanna know?)
If this feeling flows both ways
(Sad to see you go)
Was sorta hoping that you'd stay
(Baby we both know)
That the nights were mainly made for saying
Things that you can't say tomorrow day  

I shudder at the thought of asking how you feel at me for pure fear of rejection. I watched us fade away, I saw myself becoming a distance away from you. Nothing but a memory, so close but so far. I was hoping you would stick around, you kept me from doing so many stupid things without even trying. It was almost as if you knew I keep a loaded gun under my bed and a bottle of expired pills in my nightstand. The late night phone calls reassuring me you'd stay, bringing the dawn as well as a promise of hope. Now, each sunrise means nothing more but another day of darkness. 

Crawlin' back to you 

I feel like you knew I'd do it. I feel like you knew I would snap. 

  Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?
'Cause I always do
Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I've thought it through  

You don't know how many beers I've had, how many bowls I smoked, all to fade you from my memory. It works for a while, leaving me in a daze, now it's stopped working. No matter what I do, you invade my memory, the fog no longer settling but rather lifting with every sip, every hit. Maybe I've spent so much time trying to forget you I've forgot how to move on. Maybe I just want to continue to live in November. Continue to live without remember the pain and wanting to end it. 

  So have you got the guts?
Been wondering if your heart's still open and
If so I wanna know what time it shuts
Simmer down and pucker up
I'm sorry to interrupt it's just I'm constantly
On the cusp of trying to kiss you
I don't know if you feel the same as I do
But we could be together, if you wanted to  

You're too proud to give me closure. You're too stubborn to help me, your mind absorbed in yourself. We've been close, but never close enough. I could be next to you and you would be a million miles away. I could kiss you and you still wouldn't be close enough. I hate myself for it but if you apologized I'd be yours again instantly. So instantly it's almost worth considering the gun in my lap. Soon enough I'd take it off my temples. Close enough I'd stop the blood running down from my wrists creating crimson pools wherever I go. 

  Crawling back to you  

I don't remember collapsing but here I am, my deep colored blood covering my floor, sliding down and soaking my hair. I faintly hear my phone ringing, I turn and catch a glimpse of your name on my screen. I try to reach to you, but the world is slowly fading away. 

  Ever thought of calling when you've had a few? (calling when you've had a few)
'Cause I always do ('cause I always do)
Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I've thought it through  

Was it the voicemail that scared you? Or maybe the snapchat that only said goodbye. I tried calling and getting through, getting through before the pills completely digested. I gather the rest of my strength, turn away from my ringing phone and grab the gun and raise it. 

  Crawling back to you, (do I wanna know?)
If this feeling flows both ways
(Sad to see you go)
Was sorta hoping that you'd stay
(Baby we both know)
That the nights were mainly made for saying
Things that you can't say tomorrow day  

Before I can shoot you're running through the door and I'm in your arms. Maybe if you would have talked to me before you would have made it. I feel your warm tears hitting my face and body, stinging my wrist on contact. I feel your lips connect with my lips as the world turns black. I guess the feeling did flow both ways, but I'll never know. I guess that answers the question "Do I Wanna Know?"

Crawling back to you.