Freedom Beyond These Lips

Chapter 20: There's Always More Dirt

My phone rang, my sisters name lit up as I stared at it. It took me a good while to finally tell myself that it was okay. I picked it up. She offered for me to stay at her house for a couple of days. I told her i'd call her back to make sure I wasn't doing anything. After hours of flip flopping between the positives and negatives, I told myself there was more than needed to be done to relieve out of my system. I needed to tell her how I truly felt.

I called her back, setting up a time and a day. The whole night I ran through how i'd approach her, and tell her what I wanted to say. When the time came, I ended up just playing through songs, ignoring what I truly wanted to pursue, but apart of me leaned more towards comforting her, and tell her that she didn't have to deal with her piece of scum husband. Arriving at her house, I grabbed a strawberry daiquiri, and smoked a bowl of weed with her. I felt the urge to be more intoxicated, but with no avail. I felt completely sober. We started off bullshitting, but the conversation turned into something i'd never expect it to.

"Hah.. yeah.. mom.. That's a whole conversation in itself."

I murmured underneath my breath.

"Ain't that the truth."

She nodded in agreement.

"I mean considering what she's done, and the time I almost got arrested."

She stopped for a moment. Urging me to say more, interested in what I had to say.

"My sixteenth birthday, she took me on a boat cruise to Ensenada, Mexico. We were almost there, and i'd been out with a close friend. I just remember two tall men in suits, telling me that my mother had told the staff I was missing, and suggested I return to my cabin quarters."

The incident flashed back.

"When I returned, I saw mom there. Drunk, as usual. Frustrated, I grabbed my pajamas and went to change in the bathroom. Screaming at me, she followed me into this tiny bathroom. I told her to get out, telling her I needed to get changed. For no real reason, she pushed me onto the toilet crushing my neck. I couldn't breathe - so I bit down on her. She let out a yelp, and let go but grabbed onto me and pushed me against the shower wall. I had the breath knocked out of me, and she put on the shower water. Cold as could be. That didn't bother me. I just was trying to catch my breath. I pushed past her, opened the door and ran down the hall. It felt like hours before I reached the elevator. When I returned to my friend, she enveloped me in a hug, as I was soaking wet. The staff gave me some towels, and alerted the authorities. The only thing they said was..."

I paused. My blood boiling.

"They told me that because we were going to be in Mexico, we had to options. Stay quiet the whole night, or be arrested in a Mexican jail for disturbing the peace."

My sister shook her head, telling me I shouldn't have to relive that. I nodded in agreement, and so she opened up in return.

"I can remember mom leaving all of us in the car."

Invested, I leaned forward, taking another sip of my red drink.

"She would go to have sex with strangers, and leave all of us in the car just so she could get drugs."

Drugs..?

I turned my head, astonished at what she'd said.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean mom did speed. Meth."

I'd always known she was an alcoholic, but twenty years later - to find out there was more.
More that somehow went untreated, and unknown from the rest of the world..

"Yeah, and I can remember asking my dad why mom couldn't take care of us, and since she lived right down the street, he said 'Go look for yourself.' And I went down to her house. Slid open the glass doors, and saw mom sitting there frozen like a mannequin."

My sister continued.

"Her eyes dilated enough to where her iris didn't exist. She just was sitting there, a ceiling tile in hand, and her side drenched in blood. I had called her name a few times, but she just sat there. Her face, covered in blood. I was terrified she'd just turn all of a sudden, so I ran.." 

Trying not to sound inconsiderate, I nodded - but something clicked.

"That makes so much sense!"

I said everything piecing together.

"I thought it was just a dream I had, but I can recall mom sitting on the edge of a bed, and telling me something was in the bottom of her foot."

My sisters eyebrows furrowed with confusion.

"Yeah she told me that something was in there she needed to get out.. so she had a safety pin, and she dug it out.. but I never saw anything."

"I'll never forget something that happened to you. We were on a camping vacation with the family. You were a newborn still being breastfed. Your brother and I checked the cooler, there was no food for you. So we went to go look for mom. We checked the campgrounds, the bathrooms, asked strangers, and even checked the bar. We walked all over the place, and she was just - gone. Everyone was gone. We checked the rooms again, and nobody was there. You started getting hungry, and so you started to cry. We kept searching, and finally went back to the room, and there was mom splayed out passed out drunk. Crying, upset - and frustrated.. I pulled down mom's top and had to sit there breastfeeding you just holding you there. It was my last option.."

Which sparked my interest, in how the drugs became associated with my biological father, and how my mother could've gone to him for a one night stand to get some drugs, but instead - she got another present, and being unaware... had done drugs while she was pregnant with me, and neglected me, and breastfed me when she was drunk. We both took a minute of silence, and I took a look at myself and said to myself.

"So that's why i'm so small, and was small when I was born.."

My sister nodded.

"Any problem you have, you have full rights to blame it on mom."