Darkness

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¡! Detailed mentionings of Self-harm thoughts and actions

;; This should never be the way

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I started things. I never imagined myself to do.
After being or pretending to be happy all day. And feeling worse every evening.

I started cutting myself.

It was amazing. The feeling of being finally able to make myself pay the price I deserved to pay.
As soon as it started, I felt addicted.
Addicted to pain.
To pain which feels more like happiness and justice than everything else.

Seeing my own blood running down my arm. Feeling the warmth of my blood on my cold skin.
It was satisfying.

I found something that seemed able to safe me.
Something that made me happier.
Something I seemed to deserve.
Something that felt so right and relieving, like nothing ever before.

;; But I didn't realise the darkness around me. I didn't realise that, what made me feel such good things, actually made me drown deeper and deeper.

I was blended by myself. My feelings where a mess.
I was.

What is left? Was life always like this?
If yes.. was it worth living?

A life full of pain

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