Woman

May 10

I applied pressure to the gas pedal, hoping to get to my parent's house quickly. Daddy's woken up. Daddy's woken up. Daddy's woken up. That was the only thing going through my head. I didn't care that I was over the speed limit in a residential area. Or that I could possibly hit someone or something.

Possibly hit someone? As the thought crossed my mind, I brought the car to a screeching halt, causing it to slightly slid in the process. Screaming, I pounded at the steering wheel vigorously making the horn emit an out-of-tune beat.

How could I be driving in a way that could cause injury to someone and my daughter died the same way? Why was I such an inconsiderate person? I would never want anyone to endure the pain of losing a person the way I lost Asemia. Never.

"Hey lady," someone says from beside me and I averted my eyes in the direction of the voice. It's a man, a rather young man, he's in a red car but, the color is so washed-out that it looks near pink. In certain parts you can see that the car has started to deteriorate. The car makes this raspy obnoxious sound. The young man looks foreign behind the wheel of that old car.

"Stop watching my car like that," he says and it's evident that he's irritated by my displeasurable staring of his run-down car. "Not everyone can be as fortunate as you to drive in that hunk of metal you got there." He eyes my car like if he had it, he would feel like freaking Bill Gates or Richard Bronson. He makes no move to be not even the slightest bit nice when he says, "Get your car out the road lady," before he speeds off as fast as the car can go.

I watch him drive off, leaving smoke behind as his muffler gives off more exhaust than a car should and I can't help but think that cars like that, make up quite a percentage of the reason for global warming.

I exhale deeply before doing as the stranger commanded and get my car out of the road. His words inherit my mind as I drive. Not everyone can be as fortunate as you. Fortunate. Fortunate he says. As if he knows me and all the pain that I come upon. As if it's good to have your husband, a man you love, hit you for no apparent reason. As if a stupid hundred thousand dollar car can somehow fill the void of loosing a child. Fortunate. Fortunate he says.

Too many people think that 'having money' is one of the greatest things in the world. And I admit, I may be able to cross monetary problems off my list, but there are still a lot of fucking problems. What is 'money' if I can't be happy? What is 'money' if I can't be free?

My parents' house come into view and I slow down and ease into the driveway. AJ and Assyria are already here, I can see their cars parked on the other side of the street. I turn the car off and get out, sprinting into the house and up the stairs to my father's bedroom.

As I near the door, my heart drops. What will he do? What will he say?

I gently open the door and as I walk in, all eyes are on me; that including my father's. I haven't seen daddy's eyes in a long time. "They're the same color," I say lowly and it's apparent no one hears me. "They're the same color," I say more loud as if I expected them to change color. They still hold that intimidating but, soft look. Just like I remembered.

I hesitantly walk over to his bedside as if he's a ghost and him waking up, is just a dream. It seems un-real. I'm scared, I really am. But, when is there a time when I'm not scared. Life has just been serving me more than my fair share of bullshit.

"Adira," he says weakly and momma makes him drink some of the water. "Sugah, come 'ere." I walk over to his bedside and kneel down. He uses a hand to soothingly touch my face. "You're so butiful," he says softly. "Where's Emmanuel?"

"He couldn't make it," I lie, but daddy has always been able to pick up on my lies. He nods his head and I know that he doesn't believe it. The truth of the matter is, Emmanuel refused to come. When I told him that my dad had woken up he said, "Why the fuck would I see your father and no one knows what he has? That shit could be contagious. Go by your fucking self."