I'm Fine.

I'm sorry

As the doctor approached my mother and father, the news was heartbreaking... For me. He said "your daughter consumed a lot of pills, she will be asleep for a while but in a few hours she will be awake. Briana might not remember much of what happened in the last 9ish hours, but she should recover fully". My father sat down with anger in him. Angry at me for doing what I did and angry at the soul that put that link on the internet. When I woke up it was all a blur, I still remembered what had happened but I know just pretend like everything is fine. The doctor was in the middle of a check up with me when my body was filled with spirit. Olivia was still at school , but they let her set in the office so she wouldn't have to go back to class. Mom was on her way to get her now. She really didn't want to leave but, she had the right to be here more than anyone that is here now. She kissed me on the forehead and went out the door and down the hall way to the elevator.

Olivia went back to school the next day, while I was laying on the hospital bed, still, quiet , almost peaceful. The doctor barged in the door and told my dad that "she will be discharged tomorrow . But she doesn't have to return to school for a week or two". Then they went out in to the hall way to talk about my psychology treatment. The doctor set up the appointment with Dr. Iza Beatrize. I agreed to the meeting, but I know how I feel inside. I wanted to die, not like one of those fakes. That pretend to hurt to get attention. I was hurting inside, my heart felt like it was beating but I felt numb.

Today was the first day of the psychiatrist appointment when I walked in I smelled Windex cleaner and old books. It was sort of soothing. We signed in and took a seat. I was setting next to a old woman trying to learn how to text. When the Doctor called my name she told my parents to stay in the waiting room so we could have our privacy.  As I walked through the hall way I seen very pleasant pictures and drawings. Made me feel like I was wondering through Wonder Land.

As the doctor and I approached her door, I noticed that the woman I was going to talk to was someone that thought there was something mentally wrong with me. And I felt like she couldn't be trusted anymore, but deep down I knew I had to get this out before it eats me from the inside out. "Take a seat"she said joyfully. As I  followed her into the office. She said
"So how have you been feeling today or this week even"? I said "I have been feeling fine". Her eyes met mine, she looked as if she has pity on my life. "Minus the suicidal thoughts" I continued. She said in return "if you want to, could you tell me why you have or had these thoughts". "I guess I could" I said. Then the story continued "There is a 'popular' girl at my school who thinks it is okay to feed her heartless body off of other people who don't bother anything. I was minding my own business when she fought me. Then a few days after she posted something awful about me,that ruined my life. Then I was already feeling way before that I don't belong here and that made me feel worse, so I decided to attempt to kill myself. It was selfish, I know but I felt as if there was no other way out. No one cares about the truth, no on cares enough to listen.. and now I'm here venting all of it to you".  She talked then I talked . It made me feel alot better. But still somehow so much worse.

As I was leaving the doctor, she told me to revisit her twice a week. And to return to school and face problems head on. I said "okay" and we left . Mom thought that it was a good idea to stop at my favorite fast food restaurant and try to pretend everything was normal . When we got there they was laughing and asking about my day. I just kept quiet and stuck with my favorite words "I'm fine". Then we went home, I was stuffed. My parents said "let's sit down and have a movie night just the family, like we are normal". I screamed back at them unlike normal and said "I CANT BE NORMAL ANYMORE, DONT YOU UNDERSTAND. THEY ALL HATE. EVERYONE HATES ME. I JUST WANT TO DIE. PLEASE". Through the sobs I feel to the floor and cried . Mom was crying on the floor with me. "I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry dad. I ruined your life. I'm so sorry that I'm here" I said through the tears.  "No no no no baby. I love you we love you. It's going to be fine". I know she was trying to comfort me but come on. "IT WILL NEVER BE FINE AS LONG AS IM HERE".

I cried myself to sleep last night and I'm just annoyed at myself that I put them through that much pain the only reason I'm not going to attempt anything right now while everyone is asleep is because I don't want to kill them when I kill myself. I an being gracious to them. I love them and they love me so I don't know why I feel this way. My family is all I need. Why do I hate my self I have a good life. All of this I am saying I'm my head. Going over and over it, until it drives me crazy to think about it. So I lay down and close my eyes and dream a sweet dream.