my meds will no longer do the trick, i want to relapse, i want the drugs i stopped doing for you. you told me if i stopped, you would be the only drug i would need. little did i know, your drug was the hardest thing to break away from. as much as i keep relapsing and falling under your spell, the harder it is to detox. i always thought you would be there for me, love me, and care for me. when i think of you saying all those things, my eyes start to water, my stomach starts to bend, my heart starts to break; over and over again. why couldn't you just be honest with me and say none of those things you told me were true? is it because of your big ego? is it because of your ignorance? or is it because you like to see people fall into a fiery of pain and sadness?
you are the lowest of the low, the worse kind of pain, and the most dreary ignorant cunt. the smile that used to make me light up now makes me sick to my stomach, the hands i used to hold are now crushing my soul. you wanted to help with my illnesses, but you made them ten times worse. you, YOU are the reason why i don't want to wake up, YOU are the reason i don't see the sun anymore, YOU are the reason why i can't trust anyone anymore, YOU are the reason why i don't want to continue on with my life anymore. i hope you find love, i hope you find happiness. but i truly hope it ends in the most painful, heartbreaking way possible.
did i tell you that i see you when i walk into my room; sitting on my bed telling me you wouldn't leave? every fucking time i lie down, i think of you next to me. what used to make me fall asleep, now makes me awaken and cry until i only see blood and tears.
i stopped smoking cigarettes for you because you said you wanted me to live my life with you, but later on you said you wanted me out of your life. now a pack of cigarettes lasts me one day.
your mom said i was the bad guy, the one who brought depression into your life. what if she knew the truth about her "precious" son. what if she knew you fucked me over, used me, lied to me, made me feel like i'm not worth breathing? if only she knew her son was the cause of my overdoses. debbye swansey, you are the worst mother i have ever met. you protect your son from the cruelty of life when he is the cruel man who makes me want to slash my wrists open until i see nothing but darkness. you raised a spoiled, arrogant, and the worst kind of man a boy could ever grow up to be. i truly hope you realize you created the monster in my shadows that lurks around my mind leaving bread crumbs of sorrow and pain.
i'm stepping forward, not moving backwards. as much as i want you to come back, i can't allow myself to be broken down anymore. i know i am worth something, i know i can be a good person, i know i am smart regardless of what you ever said. i know you once loved me, but what changed? what made you feel that i wasn't enough?
YOU ARE READING
forgetting your love
Non-Fictionsomeone can make you so happy, but also put you into a deep depression, aching and pleading for happiness that will never come. enjoy.
