The Boomerang Effect

One | Day of the Jump, New York |

  A/N: dedicated to @Melancholia for being all excited when I told her my next story would be a depressive one and still sticking around when it really wasn't. Thanks, Queenie!              

             |ETHAN|

day of the jump, new york

   Everywhere I look, it's like people are telling me to hold on, to wait for better days. Everybody always tries to make me feel like I'm not alone. But they're wrong. I am alone. I'm all alone with my thoughts and I no longer possess the strength I need to fend them off because it feels like I have nothing left to lose. I can't get rid of all these memories and I'm sick and tired of this feeling of emptiness in my chest, this endless void that no amount of love or kindness can fill. I can't take it anymore.

   And I'm scared. But not about the fact that I can no longer stand life. No, what scares me the most is that I can't even stomach the idea of me anymore.

   Me, living and breathing along with everybody else. It just feels wrong. I feel wrong, like something's missing, like I wasn't given the final touch I needed before being thrown into this world of vicious wolves. Claude has told me countless times I wasn't normal. And I know he's not the only one who thinks so. At this point, after everything that has happened, I'm pretty sure Alicia agrees. Her best friend, Penelope definitely agrees and even though he'd never admit it because we're  supposed to be best friends, I'm positive Tommy shares their opinion.

   Basically, I'm surrounded by people who think my screws are loose.

   Maybe you are nuts, Ethan,I think to myself, shivering in my grey fleece and trying to find comfort in the fact that soon, this will all be over. Who knew Manhattan was so cold at night? I look at the people below, hurrying to get to clubs, or walking home from bars. They don't look like they're cold. Then I vaguely remember something my 5th grade teacher taught me once, something about the temperatures dropping and the winds getting stronger the higher you were.

   What an odd time to remember a science class.

   My phone rings and I pull it out to check the caller ID. It's Tommy. I don't really feel like talking to him now so I decline the call and dial Alicia's number instead. Hopefully, she'll answer this time. What is it they say, third time's the charm? Right. That's just a bunch of bull . I've called eleven times already and I'm still waiting to hear her voice. I know that she's probably screening my calls with her best friend Penelope at her side, telling her that I'm a total psycho, not worth a single second of her time.

   As if to illustrate my point, my call gets sent to voicemail. Again. I'm about to hang up but decide against it when I hear her voice. Because that's the last thing I want to hear before I go. I want to hear her laugh, that sweet, melodious sound, even if it's just for a fleeting second. I want to be able to close my eyes and imagine that she's at my side, laughing at something I just said. I want to go imagining that we're still together. I want to imagine things going like we planned back in November, when we were still dating. When I told her I'd show her Times Square at midnight and bring her to New York's best art galleries. This school trip was supposed to end and start with us. Definetly not like this with me all alone, contemplating a selfish act.

   "Hey, this is Alicia. I'm probably occupied right now or just plain avoiding you," she laughs nervously and as impossible as it may seem, I smile too, remembering when she recorded this message. It was at school. I remember because we'd been dating for a week, barely and she'd just received her new phone (she'd flushed the old one down the toilet) after a two weeks wait. I remember how excited she'd been, jumping all around the place, taking pictures of her and her friends, talking about which kind of cover would make her phone look better. Alicia was nothing without her phone. Every single aspect of her life was somehow linked to it, every significant event meticulously entered into her iCal. She was also on every social media. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, you name it. These extrovert tendencies probably explained in part why she, along with her best friend, Penny, was one of the most popular girls at Jackson High.

   But it wasn't always like that. Before Penelope, there was Vivian. Before Penelope, there was the normal, sensible Alicia, the one I fell in love with, the one I'd asked out. The one I planned this trip with.

   "So you can just go ahead and leave me a message."

   Beeeep!

   I hang up immediately. I promised myself I wouldn't leave a message. I couldn't. Besides, what would I say?

   "Hi, Alicia, I'm about to do something incredibly stupid and I was hoping you could leave the comfort of your hotel room and meet me at the top of the Rockfeller Center to talk me out of it? By the way, I'm not crazy, I just like standing alone on the roof of very high buildings in the middle of the night."

   No, I don't think so-she'd probably analyze the message a thousand times and then show it to Penelope so that she too could give it a shot. I can just imagine what would happen.

   Alicia would be all, "Ethan just left me a message. I think it sounds pretty urgent but what do you think?" she'd then replay the message for Penelope who'd say, "Delete it."

   Then, Alicia would insist, "But maybe he needs my help?" and then Penelope would end the conversation with a frustrated sigh and a how many times do I have to tell you your ex is crazy? look. And then Alicia would cave in. As always.

   In case you were wondering, I'm not crazy. In fact, I consider myself to be very sane. Then again, isn't that what every crazy person thinks? That they're sane? I mean, would a sane person be standing so dangerously close to the edge of the roof, the way I am right now? Probably not. Whatever. That doesn't matter anymore. None of this matters because all this will be over soon. After all, I'm just one jump away from plummeting to my death and ending it all. It's hard to imagine one jump has all this power.

  My phone rings again. It's Tommy. This time, I answer although I don't really want to.

   "Ethan? Is it you?" he sounds panicked.

   "Yeah," my voice comes out hoarser than expected. Probably because I haven't talked in an hour or so.

   "Dude, where are you? The teachers are looking for you."

   He's speaking so fast. It's like he's tripping over his words, they're all tangled and it takes me some time to decipher what he's saying.

   "What?"

   "I read the letter, man. I'm sorry, but I read it and I freaked out and I told Mr.Tanguy you went out and he told the other teachers and now they're all looking for you."

   There's a bunch of noise on the other line and it sounds like he's loosing his calm and taking it out on a wall or something. I hope that's not the case because he'll have to pay if he destroys the hotel's property. He lets out a frustrated sigh and swears, which strikes me as odd because Tommy never swears. He's always been the calm one while I'm constantly loosing it. In other circumstances, I would feel bad for making him so agitated but tonight I strangely can't care less.

   "Did you give them the letter?" I ask coolly.

   "No, I just told them you went out. Come back, dude. Don't do this. Please."

   "Look, man, I forgive you for everything, but I want you to give her the letter." I end the conversation before he can protest and stare down at midnight Manhattan, its boutiques illuminated by the dim moonlight. I check my phone to see if Alicia has called even though I know she hasn't and take a deep breath, trying hard not to think about it being my last. Then I throw myself into the abyss with my eyes shut tight.

   For the first time in the last months, I feel good.

SO! Here it is, the first chapter! I'm so excited to post this because this story is really important to me and I hope you guys like it which is why it would mean so much to me if you just dropped a comment about your thoughts, negative or positive.

For those of you thinking "oh no, this is a boy's POV!", relax because this story alternates between Ethan and Alicia's POVs in the PAST and PRESENT which is why I always put the date and POV at the beginning of each chapter!

So, next chapter is Alicia one year before!

xoxo

Amanda