The One With Wings

Day 4: Here we go

Okay, so I'm lazy as shit and I know it.
Let's get into some of the stuff that I hate myself for.

I don't remember what age I was, but I started to look at girls the same way I look at guys. I find both women and men attractive. I always thought that I needed to hide this fact as if there were something horribly wrong with me. My family always talked about sensitive subjects in front of me such as: people who are homosexual, people who are transgender, the privelage difference between races, and so on and so forth. I never knew what to say, so I stayed silent and let all those examples of people get bashed on by my family. I couldn't ever seem to tell them that it was wrong. That what they were saying wasn't true. So I never said anything.

Little did they know that I hated being a girl. Little did they know that I love both guys and girls. Little did they know that people who are a different race can't help it and discrimination happens to every race now.

I used to go online and look for friends outside of where I lived. I'd find people from all over the world who would want to talk, but very few who would want to talk to socialize. Most of them wanted pictures of an undressed underaged girl or even wanted to talk dirty. I didn't know what to do. I wanted friends, but I wanted them to stay. Over my lifetime so far I've sent some pictures, a few videos, and I've talked dirty to plenty. I hate myself for it all now. I never expected to be so mentally messed up later on in life. But, I guess it happens.

When I was 13 I was staying with one of my aunt's. One of my cousins came to visit. All the adults started drinking, and my cousin who visited got drunk. Now, let me call this cousin V. He was 31 at the time. V got so drunk that he was vomiting. I had to guide him into a room so he could lay down. I put a trash can beside the bed and started to leave the room. He asked if I would stay. I said yes. Honestly, I thought he might choke on his own vomit so I stayed in the room with him that night. Everyone else had gone to sleep. V decided to make a move on 13 year old me by at first just cuddling me. Then, he kissed me. Then, he grabbed me and started feeling of places on my body that you need consent for. He started to kiss my neck, my jawline, my cheeks, and my lips. At this point, my body betrayed me by surprising both of us with the substance of natural lubrication from a female. I told him to stop. He said that I made him feel special. He took my hand and placed it on his manhood. I pulled my hand away quickly. He had the audacity to ask me if I was a virgin. In my opinion, at 13, everyone should still be a virgin. I told him yes I was. He groaned in agony I take it because he was covered in lust. It was horrifying. I haven't said anything to my family about this. I doubt I ever will. V still scares me to this day. He remembers it all too. He told me he did. To this day, I always make sure that consent is covered. If someone says stop, no, or don't, you quit what you are doing.