When I Leave

Aimless Walking

Chapter Thirty- Five

Aimless Walking

 I suppose everyone that you get close to breaks your heart eventually. But, they all save you at some point, too. Alfie was right about my story being ongoing. But now I know that all of ours are.

They are ongoing because we keep going.

And, as I type this, tears hitting my keyboard and the faintest of smiles warming my face as I dive into the sweet sorrow of remembering, you could say, 'Alice, your entire life seems to be a series of traumatic events.'

I would tell you that everyone's is. Life- to put it pessimistically- is a series of tragedies until death. Some people have longer of pockets of peace between the tragedies.

I am not one of those people; maybe I won't ever be one of them.

Surprisingly, I am alright with this.

Because I have something most people don't have.

Something that makes up for all of it.

 Walking through the halls in the Home, I let myself drown in memories. I walked past the TV room, where I met Pavel. He was so small. I paused at the cleaning closet and a shiver went through me, as hot as my face felt.

I walked to the steps, everything was quiet. Like they'd been ordered to either leave or be silent. I thought of Isis getting me to school that first day, how she punched Kev and I thought he was so obnoxious. I walked up the stairs, to my old hallway, my old room.

I ran my finger along the etching of my name and brushed over Isis'. I opened the door without knocking, even though there must have been a new person that had taken my place- and Isis'.

Patty's wall was so full of hearts that there was no space left, and I suddenly understood what she was doing. It actually looked really cool.

I looked to my wall. It was still red, but the sheets had changed. A girl who liked flowers, I suppose, as the sheets were daisies and she had painted white flowers on the wall.

I sighed and looked at Isis' wall. It was purple now.

This was where I shouted at her.

No, this is a different room.

There was no memory of her here. It must all be in her flat.

I'll let you know when any of us have the courage to enter it.

I started to leave, wanting fresh air. The sun was the deep orange of mid-afternoon. I walked down the halls with my head low because it felt so heavy.

As I reached the door, Mrs. Dowries stopped me. She looked older, though I suspect we all looked like that yesterday.

She hugged me and I hugged back.

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

I nodded, and thought I might cry again, but then realized I actually hadn't stopped yet.

"You look so grown up." I couldn't imagine making small talk.

"I look like a bloody mess." I sniffed.

"If you need a place to stay-"

"I'm staying at Kev's place." I interrupted. She looked a little hurt so I added, "Have to keep an eye on him." She nodded slowly, then shook her head.

"I've been to too many of these." She exhaled and shook her head again. I squeezed her arm and walked out the door into the fresh air. Not so claustrophobic. I walked around to the back where we played silly games. Where Isis and I sat and talked for hours. I didn't realize how easy that was before. To talk to Isis.

 The grass was green, the lilacs were pungent. What a beautiful day it would have been if it weren't such an awful one.

I walked back around and took the long way to the woods. Through the Village. I walked slowly and wiped under my eyes even though tears were still falling like raindrops constantly on my face. I stopped in my tracks when I saw a familiar face. Mitch.

He was dressed in an apron. He was working in the shop. I watched him standing outside, obviously on his break, and smoked alone, looking strangely sad.

I had the overwhelming urge to both punch and hug him. It was the weirdest feeling, as I stood staring, frozen in my spot. Then his eyes met mine. His acne was gone and his hair cut closer to his head. I looked into his eyes for a moment and he just shook his head ever so slightly, still with that sad look in his eyes. I sucked in my breath and forced myself to keep walking. My throat getting even smaller, if that was even possible.

And what was I to do now? I thought as I walked into the woods.

After a month, when Jamie calls to remind me, is she magically erased from my mind?

I picked a bunch of the lilac flowers and held them close. I didn't know where I was going, I assumed it was just aimless walking.

But it wasn't. Subconsciously, I was walking to our spot. I got to the top of the slope and looked down at the water.

Fergus.

Alice.

Our names were still pronounced under the water. I walked down the slope and to the edge. Picking off the tiny, delicate flowers of the lilac bunches, one by one, I dropped them into the water.

Slowly, not accounting for time.

Because it didn't matter anymore.

It looked pretty, a steady stream of tiny flowers floating away in the calm water. I was just through my first one, when I heard it.

A crunching noise.

I turned around and my heart fell to my stomach.

 Fergus.

He stood at the top of the slope, and I could tell he was watching me. He brought his eyes to meet mine. He was dressed in a suit. He had his hands in his pockets and tears on his face.

Those uncontrollable ones that you end up accepting as part of your day.

The same kind I was sporting.

We looked at each other for a while, not sure what to do. But I knew I had to do something. For one brief second, I needed to push. Push through all the pain and heart break and the dull ache in my head and the tears that continued to fill my eyes.

So, I pushed.

 And impossibly, I smiled.

 And impossibly, he smiled back.