Breaking Her silence

In the begining

Mommy came home from work early one day without calling daddy to let him know. You could hear the keys jiggling in the door knob key slot. It startled daddy he erratically pulled his faded blue trousers up over his black shirt just before mommy entered. Mommy paused for a second contemplating on what to say moving her eyes back and fourth in confusion. "Hey beautiful" daddy said breaking the silence .  "And what exactly is my beautiful wife doing home so early"? Daddy asked nervously mommy just stood there. I turned and headed towards my room where I could cry in peace. I drowned out the lies daddy was telling mommy about how productive his day was and how he supposedly took us out to the park and ice cream. None of it was true. It never was but every time he told it she believed it. I always wondered why she never asked me how my day was or what I did? Then maybe than I'd have the courage to break my silence about what was going on when she wasn't around. Thinking about the what if"s only broke my heart more. Why was god punishing me? Had I been a bad girl? Is it because I stole my little sisters sticker book the one with pink and purple sparkles? "I'll give it back I promise" I cried . But did anyone even hear me? Was Baby Jesus even listening ? I thought to myself what could a baby Jesus do to help me if I was older then him ? I cried myself to sleep skipping dinner that night. Mommy didn't bother checking on me.

My nights grew darker and my days went longer. I knew this was wrong but who would listen to me? How could I break the silence that's bleeding to come out? Months went by and nothing had changed daddy still had his way with me and mommy was clueless. Awhile ago I started to feel like a motherless child who was a long long way from home. My heart was broken by the ones who were supposed to protect and love me for eternity. When was enough enough ?

June 20 1999
It was a sunny day outside, the clouds were shaped like little babies and dragons and butterflies the air smelled of BBQ and was filled with music. "Kali"? My father shouted. We were our apartment complex having what they would have like to perceive as a family gathering. Some family this was. "Yes Daddy" I responded running quickly to avoid any unnecessary spankings. "it's time for you to go to the restroom Kali" I frowned up because I've never needed anyone to tell me when it was time for me to go to the restroom since I had been potty trained since I was 3 years old. "I don't have to potty daddy". Daddy scoured his face up and turned a little red he kneeled down in his black gym shorts and said to me I'm my ear "You go to the restroom when I say got dammit" my face was damp from the river I was crying. I nodded my head and followed daddy into the restroom. Michael watched as daddy closed the door behind us watching me cry. I knew Michael could tell something hadn't been right with me but how do I put these into words ? I was just to young to understand and comprehend these events. Daddy sat down on the toilet bowl with the lid closed. I knew that bad things were about to happen. "Come here Kali" daddy unzips his pants pulling his stuff out. "Daddy can I go play please" I pleaded to do anything but this. "Haaaa" daddy giggled you can play with this and then you may go play with toys. Tilting my head down knowing I had been defeated I did what daddy told me to do. Mommy was in the other rooms entertaining the family pretending she enjoyed her marriage and that she was actively a great mother to her children. To be honest I wasn't even so sure she was even our mother anymore. "Noooooooooo" Michael bust in the door seeing what daddy was making me do.

Daddy quickly closed the door, snatching Michael by his stripped white and green t shirt. "I AM YOUR FATHER!" he yelled. Michael cried as did I, not realizing that we were indeed the only ones who remained in the house. Within this time frame that seemed like forever everyone else had retired to the pool leaving both myself and Michael with the Devil himself. Mom had failed us again and I could feel the little pieces of what was left of my heart.

The next morning daddy was gone. Mommy was getting us ready for church I felt sick to my stomach. My baby brother Mozzy who has just turned 4 looked at me sadly begging me to tell mommy, "if you don't tell mom I'm going to tell her- said mozzy"
"I don't want to get in trouble- I relied" with tears in my eyes. We were our room and Mozzy ran out yelling for mommy screaming "I'm TELLING" I honestly didn't know how to feel or what to do, the whole world was weighing in on me but to no avail my brother stopped 2 feet in front of our mother and told her what he saw daddy doing. Mommy screamed and cried so I hid in the closet or knowing if I was in trouble or what amount of damage was just caused. 20 minutes later our home was full of cries and police officers asking questions I didn't quite understand. This was it as we watched them arrest my father just down the street from our own house. I cried. Not for just me but for all the pain that flooded our broken home. was I finally free ?

Months had gone by and things only got worst. Not just for me but for me and my siblings. Mother drinks day and night dropping us off with people we've never seen before. I can't help but thing that all of this was my fault if I had just did what daddy said. Every night I cry out. I never understood why THIS had to be my life, our life.

It's been 6 months since we last saw mom. I can't really remember what she looks like. She dropped us off what seemed like forever ago to our older brothers family and never came back. They aren't very nice or clean people there broken house smelled of dogs and urine. I thought my life before here was bad but this was far worst then any nightmare I'd ever dreamed of.