Renaissance of The Dog Days

David Part I

"Everything's going to be alright." I told him while holding him tight in my arms. "I promise you, Jerry. We will get through this...together."

The entire scene went on an endless loop in my head again and again. White lights kept flashing until I let out a loud gasp.

"Oh!" I moaned while clutching onto my chest. With every step, the words I had said before escalated in volume to the point my head was going to explode. My eyes closed tightly while my chest alternated between inflation and deflation. I was still heaving and holding my head the whole way, clutching it tighter and tighter until getting back to my room? Wow...Making that call was the hardest thing I'd ever done. It hadn't even been two hours yet it felt so fresh. With all I tried to do not to fall apart, I still felt the sickness eating away inside. Jesus, I needed air. I needed it right away.

Once I was able to breathe again, I hobbled to the window and opened it up. It brought this bittersweet euphoria as I hunched over and took it all in. The morning breeze rolled through, sending chills down my spine. If fall wasn't cold enough, it sure was now. In fact, this whole atmosphere was draped by a cloud of sorts. I hated this gloomy backdrop yet it followed me everywhere for some reason. It wouldn't be the first time and it surely wouldn't be the last.

It felt like I arrived to this campus just yesterday when everything was bright and shiny. Nothing could ruin it. Absolutely nothing. Fast-forward a whopping what? Nine weeks and shit had already hit the fan. Then again, college life's nuts. With all the protests and everyone trying to get the world on their side, it was bound to happen soon.

Despite everything that went down, I still felt good about where I was standing, though not everyone could say the same thing nor would I convince myself of this all day, every day especially the day where everything fell apart.

I held onto my stomach once a huge knot twisted in my throat. I swallowed while looking out the window to see those red lights flashing from the squad cars huddled outside the dorm. This was too much. I mean, yesterday was fine, well actually it was bad, I just didn't know it. Still, it hurt like this did. At least I wasn't such a wreck but now... I couldn't even look myself in the mirror because-no. I wouldn't even think that. I couldn't. I'd just blame myself more than I already am. Jerry needed me and while I was there, I also wasn't. He probably hated me more than ever and nobody would blame him. Especially since he's going through much worse no thanks to me.

As the harsh reality came crashing down, all I could do was shake my head. How could this have happened? The answer seemed so obvious but it really wasn't. If only this was the case, all the world's problems would be solved by now.

No matter how hard I tried looking away, my eyes remained glued to the ruckus outside. It was a train-wreck I couldn't escape. I kept watching out the window in my dark room until hearing a knock on my door.

"H-hey buddy," Brian announced in a gentler voice than usual while making his way into my room despite my need for privacy. He must've heard what happened since his room was between Jerry's and mine. Though none of that mattered as I wasn't in the mood. Not for this shit.

"Now's not a good time." I told him.

"I know. I just wanted to drop by and see how things are going." He paused for a moment and walked closer though I moved away from him. If he'd say something crass or jokingly, at least do it with someone who didn't care.

I buried my face into my pillow, Brian patted me on the back and said, "Seriously man...This doesn't feel real."

"Yeah." I replied with a small murmur in my throat.  "I'm still shocked about what happened."

"It's definitely a surprise." He remarked in a hollow tone. "I honestly didn't think–"

"None of us knew until it was too late."

My words brought about a stony silence between us. I laid on my bed while Brian stood up and paced around to himself as his presence varied from heavy to minimal.

"Um, d-do you think he'll be alright?" he abruptly asked. "I know he's broken and all, but I couldn't imagine how he's gonna be from here on out."

I knew Brian didn't mean to say that the way he did with his seemingly nice tone though there was this fake feel to it. Unfortunately, that's how it came out. It was a shame my mind had been so fucked up since he was being his loving self and didn't deserve what happened next.

I raised my head and turned around where I stared him down cold. The first thing that flew out of my mouth was, "What do you think?"

His eyes widened for a second before he answered. "Well I think he's finished."

"For now." I replied with an unintended scoff. "I-I don't know if or when he'll get better."

"He can still be normal again, right?"

"Of course not." I rose up and my entire body straightened as he said those words. My fingers clenched into a ball and stepped closer to him. "Maybe he could be normal but his new normal will never be ours and ours won't be anyone else's since they never had to deal with this shit. He's going to have this hanging over him for the rest of his life and he won't ever be the way he was before when things were good and amazing."

"You sure about that?" Brian scoffed. "It didn't seem all that great to me."

He didn't just say that, I shook my head and let him have it. "Excuse me? W-what's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm just saying things weren't all sunshine and glitter like you made it out to be. You can't ignore the shit that was really happening."

"Yeah, like you'd know. You've never been his friend or bothered to know him hell, why do you even care? You hated him, he hated you, so why are you around? Why are you here? Please tell me, you insensitive prick."

"Wow." Brian's face went pale as he crossed his arms and briefly nodded. "I was just trying to be a decent guy. You know, the thing you and him kept saying I wasn't. Well I am trying. I'm trying real hard here."

Fuck. I closed my eyes and tightened my fists harder. He was right. God, this felt wrong. This time it wasn't him being the asshole, it was me. I really had a problem.

When I opened my eyes again, I let out a sigh and said to him, "Sorry man. I'm having a really rough time."

"We all are," Brian replied as he sat down with me on my bed. "Trust me, you're not alone here. I'll guarantee you that if my best friend–"

"He's not my best friend."

"You sure about that?" Brian asked while raising his right eyebrow. "I don't think I've ever seen two guys so close without crossing the line between bro and homo."

"Oh please. You've stared at guys like they're Polish sausage."

"I know and I'm not ashamed if you know what I mean," Brian joked as he nudged me in the stomach. He seriously makes the best gay jokes for someone who swings that way and it's awesome. The two of us laughed for a good minute before eventually slowing down.

"Thanks Brian," I said while looking him in the eyes. "I really needed that."

"Same." Brian agreed with a long, extended nod. "But... getting back to what happened, what do we do? We can't just sit here and mope."

"Well I'll have to go over what I did on Halloween. I'm pretty sure we all have to."

"But you didn't go to that party 'cause of the fight you and Jerry had."

"And that's exactly why I'm talking with the cops. If I had been there, this wouldn't have happened." My eyes shifted to the dark morning sky outside. "None of this...would've happened."