Behind The Mask

A Letter to my captor

I can't remember when I first heard your voice. I don't remember when we were introduced but I do remember who introduced you to me. It was him. You were perfection. Your lips were pale pink and you waist was small. Your luscious brown hair curled down to exposed clavicle. Your eyelashes were lengthy and you had thin long legs. I didn't look like you and so he left me. Taking with him all my naive dreams and leaving nothing but my fragment heart. He left me but you stayed. You lingered in my mind, whispered in my ear. You stayed as my constant reminder that I wasn't pretty enough... good enough. You told me your truth. You told me that if I looked like you, he would love me.

We were inseparable. I thought you were my friend...motivating me to work out longer at the gym... to refuse the cookie. Your voice was sweet in beginning. Then you change.

You unmasked yourself. You weren't my friend. You became my controller. Your voice became cold as winter's frost. You whispers became screams and your touches became bruises. Gym for an hour? No, it turned to 7+ hours. If I couldn't go, you refused to let me eat. Then you became worst. You made me throw away my mirror because who would want to see someone as "ugly" as me.

You made me deaf to other voices. My voice of sanity, you evicted. There was one person in control in regards to my mind, soul, emotions, and body. It wasn't me. It was only you.

You told me people wouldn't understand if I told you what you were telling me. They wouldn't see your truth was meant to help me and not to hurt me.

This was your truth:

1. No one cares unless you're pretty or dying.

Either way, I was going to end one of those outcomes. I believed you. I even went far enough to love you. I continued losing the weight for you. But then the hunger pains began unbearably. So you taught me something. I could binge if I puked right afterward. I did. Oh, I did it. Food tasted delicious. Chocolate dripped down my mouth. The fries were crispy and crunchy. Oh, it was heavenly but what came afterward was worst than hell. My throat burned. I stopped eating after that. The food wasn't worth the price that had to be paid.

One day, I stole a glance at the mirror. You told me I looked beautiful...almost perfect. For the first time in years, I saw me. I was thin like you but my hair wasn't luscious. My nails were thin. My lips were chapped.

Your words weren't living water but poison. I was dying for what you called beauty.

You lied to me. Your truth wasn't true at all. I sought help and I found it.

I wrote you this letter as our final goodbye because I'm strong enough to stand up to you,

I'm beautiful...I'm worthy...I'm smart...I'm important.

Goodbye Ms. Ana Orexia.

I'm free