Pain,undiscovered.

PAIN IS JUST NOT A WORD.

Pain? So tell me what have you heard about pain ? That it's just a word starting the letter p and ending with a n? Or have you felt that pain, and I'm not talking about those normal pain after you've sprained your ankle, or the pain you get when you wake up not having enough sleep. Nor the kind of pain a woman gets during her period, or the pain a man gets when he gets kicked in his balls, the kind of pain I'm talking about is far worse than any of these. It's worse than being pinched in your nipples and growing up as a woman, I should know how that feels. You know what pain and hurt is when you wake up every morning thinking you have lost your sole reason to live, you'll know exactly what it is when you cry every night after a long tiring day thinking that you finally managed to trick the world another day into believing you were okay. But that's not even the start of it. The hardest part would be when you break down, maybe on the streets, maybe a church or even a mosque, sometimes in front of your family and sometimes in front of colleagues. You cry your heart out and if anyone asks you'd answer with ' I'm okay, I just miss my mum'. You know what's pain? When you lose everything you loved in a matter of a minute. One second you had this amazing future planned and the next it's gone? You feel so depressed and one day you suddenly actually feel nothing, and that's the worst pain,because this time how would you know how to heal if you don't know what you're feeling?

I can explain pain in so many ways but mine would be the hardest of them all. Imagine, as a mother you lost your child, he was the only thing you was living for, to become a better person for? Can you feel that sympathy you're getting in your heart as I'm saying these words? Well, throw that out, because i'm not that mother. Imagine, you was married to your husband for 20 years, you guys had your ups and downs but one day the Greatest of them all decided to take him from you, would you be able to bare that pain? Don't even think about shedding a tear because that isn't me either. The pain I go through is different compared to these, its a torturous feeling that keeps me up all night, the thoughts go on and on in my head and sometimes even sleeping seems useless. My own dreams become a nightmare of my circle of thoughts, the devil is no longer red and holding a pitchfork in this story, the devil is I, a girl with her thoughts.

 I was once a confident girl not too long ago, my life mattered to me but right now, not so much anymore. I can't look myself in the mirror without thinking about how much of a piece of shit I am. I actually despise people, people think its so easy to get over any type of grief? Well guess what this isn't just a pain from you hitting me, this is a type of torture that I would never wish upon my greatest enemy. "Hailey, get over it" ,"Hailey, it has been too long to be still crying over something so small", comments like this don't help me at all if I was being honest. WELL WAKE THE HELL UP, IT'S NOT SOMETHING SO SMALL.

Have you ever went to that stage of grief, where you just decided to stop hearing everyone's bullshit saying you was going to be fine, giving you false hopes, just for a second did you just want to not breathe, did you want to stop crying and just stop feeling anything, did you just want to die a little? Well, I have. I've been down that road and back, many times and a hell load of tears makes you decide to do it over and over again. Now i'm not just going to sit here to talk about what pain is, i'm here to tell you mine, that's if you guys are ready?