I stood in front of my mirror, turning from side to side. I was checking to see if my binder could be seen under my dress shirt.
My mother had told me she invited people from her work over for dinner, and I wanted to look nice. However I told myself there was no way I was wearing a dress, so I ended up going through the clothes Jimin had bought me the other day and found a nice maroon button up.
My hair was styled, pushed to the side with a little bit of gel, instead of my usual messy look.
Knock, knock.
"Ji Su, sweetie?"
My eyes widened. "Y-yes, eomma?"
"Are you dressed?"
"Yes, eomma."
The doorknob started turning, and there was no place for me to hide. I stood frozen in my spot as my mother entered my room. Immediately she gasped. "What are you wearing?"
I swallowed thickly. "I want to wear this."
My mother frowned. "But sweetie, those are boys clothes."
I bit down on my lip. "Yes eomma. I know. I..."
Was I really ready to come out to my mother? I tried to run over the possible outcomes in my head. First, I don't come out, and wear a stupid dress for dinner and feel super dysphoric. Second, I come out and she accepts it, and I get to be normal. Third, she freaks out and kicks me out.
Two bad outcomes and one good. Not good chances.
When I focus back on my mother, she's going through my closet, flipping through my clothes. "I let you cut your hair and don't say anything about you dressing like a tomboy, but enough is enough, Ji Su, really. Where are your dresses, for god's sake? Did you throw them out?"
I take a deep breath. "Eomma. I, I'm a boy."
She whips around. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm transgender. I'm a boy, I've always been a boy."
She stares at me, unblinking and unmoving. Then, slowly, I watch as her face turns redder than the shirt I'm wearing. She walks towards me. "Jeon Ji Su. You are not a boy, never will be. God did not make you a boy, understand? Now find a goddamn dress and put it on before our guests arrive."
My mother left my room, slamming the door shut behind her. Tears threatened to spill over my eyes, but I held them in. Walking over to my bed, I picked up my phone and opened Kakao.
jeonjungkook: tae i know
you're ignoring me
but i really need to talk to you
jeonjungkook: i just came
out to my mom
(1) incoming call from itstaehyung !
"Are you okay?" Taehyung said before I could even say hello.
I sniffled. "No... she didn't accept me. S-she told me God didn't make me a boy."
I heard a deep exhale on the other end. "Fucking christ, I'm so sorry, Kookie. You deserve to be accepted and respected as the beautiful human being you are."
"It's o-okay," I hiccuped. "But we have guests coming for dinner, a-and my mom told me to wear a dress."
"What were you wearing?"
"A red button up and black jeans."
Taehyung hummed. "Don't wear the dress. You need to go out there and show her that you won't change for her."
I smiled a bit, nodding even though he couldn't see me. "O-Okay, thank you Taehyungie."
"Tell me how it goes, and call me if you need anything, okay?"
"Yes, hyung."
"Be strong, Jungkookie."
_
"Ji Su, honey, our guests are here!" My mother called from downstairs. I took a deep breath and gave my outfit a last once-over before heading down.
There were a man and woman sitting downstairs, with a tall boy whose back was to me. My mother was too busy with placing food onto the table and chatting with them to see me come down.
Without saying anything I took a seat across from the boy, beside the mother. When I looked up, he had an odd expression on his face, almost like recognition. But that made no sense, for I'd never seen him before. I couldn't help but notice that he was extremely handsome, though.
"Ji Su, can you come help me in the kitchen?" My mother asked sweetly, and I gulped.
"Yes, eomma." I stood, walking into the kitchen. She grabbed my arm, pulling me close to her.
"Why didn't you change?" My mother's voice was low and threatening.
"I'm not wearing a dress. I told you, I'm a boy."
For a moment, my mother looked flabbergasted. Then she regained her composure and looked me in the eyes. "I'm not about to make a scene in front of our guests. They're very high up at my work. But after they leave, you and I are having a talk, young lady." And with that, she let go of my arm and pushed me out of the kitchen.
I shakily walked back to my seat, meeting the boy's curious eyes once again. "Hey," he whispered. "Can you show me where the bathroom is?"
I nodded, standing and motioning him to follow me. When I reached the door, I turned to leave but he grabbed my arm, but not roughly like my mother had. "I don't actually have to use the bathroom. But, I had to ask, are you trans?" He looked at me with a hopeful expression, which utterly confused me.
I was taken aback. "Y-yeah, why?"
The boy beamed, a wide smile appearing. "Cool! I'm not, but my boyfriend is. My name's Kim Seokjin, but you can call me Jin."
I smiled back. "Jungkook."
Jin nodded, then his expression took on a more serious look. "So I kinda overheard your conversation in the kitchen. Your mom doesn't accept you?"
I shook my head. "No, she's too closed minded."
Jin frowned. "I'm really sorry. That must suck. My boyfriend was lucky to have accepting parents who helped him transition," he said, rubbing my shoulder comfortingly.
"Seokjin! Ji Su! Dinner's ready!"
Jin offered his arm, and I giggled while taking it, and he led me back to the table, where our parents were already filling their plates. The adults discussed work, and Jin and I mostly ate while chatting lightly.
"So how old are you?" Jin asked, stuffing his mouth with noodles.
"17."
Jin nodded, chewing his food. "I'm 22."
We ate the rest of our food, occasionally making more small talk. After my mother brought out dessert, and then it was time for the Kim's to leave.
Jin grabbed my hands, squeezing reassuringly. "It'll be okay. You have somewhere to go if it doesn't go well?"
I thought for a second, unsure. Would Yugyeom or Jimin take me in if I were kicked out? We were good friends, but I didn't know if staying with them would be okay. "I don't know..."
Jin nodded. "Give me your phone." I passed it to him, watching as he typed in a number. "There," he said, passing it back to me. "if you need somewhere to stay, just text me."
My heart soared at the kind gesture; I'd only just met Jin, but he was already offering me a place to stay. "Thank you so much. It was really nice meeting you."
Jin waved as he and his parents walked out to their big black car. Suddenly, I wasn't so afraid of talking with my mother anymore.
