without you

prologue

i took my last strip of paper and placed it on my desk. i guess i'll have to cut more later, i thought and put it in my imaginary bucket  list. i lightly brushed my fingers carelessly across the texture of it, remembering her. this was the exact light shade of yellow that she adored and that filled practically her whole closet.

i sighed out loud, capturing the attention of my ginger colored bunny,
Cheeto. yes, i named her because she looks just like a cheeto. but the reason  i also named her that is because i love cheetos. i mean, who doesn't?

ugh, i'm getting distracted. i started to take the left end of the strip and put it over to the right. as i was tucking the left end, i couldn't stop thinking. thinking on how i could've helped her. on how i could've saved her.

i pulled on the end of the paper as i continued. after a good 30 seconds more, i finished. i dropped the tiny yellow paper star into my jar.

i feel like this is all my fault. i glared at the jar full of yellow paper stars that i made. ever since she died, i got this habit of making paper stars whenever i could. and that meant using her favorite color as well. i just felt that she would be watching over me if i did this. my mom said it was nonsense but i think not.

tears threatened to pour out of my eyes, as i kept glaring. i couldn't hold my eyes open longer as i blinked, and a single tear ran down my cheek. the drop found its way to my mouth, as it slips into it. It tastes salty, and i don't know why.

i wish i could go back in time and fix everything. i wish i could be there for her when she needed me. i wish i saved her from jumping off that bridge. i wish i could tell her "i love you, Ella."