I trust everyone. I put my heart and soul into them. I give them everything I have to offer. But yet, here I am. My trust for anyone is gone. I hate that I'm like this now. I hate being a bitch. I hate disbanding myself from others. It had to be done. But I caused it this time.
This time it wasn't Nicholas lying about his what he was doing.
It wasn't Alexandra making out with Nicholas.
It wasn't even me finding out that Alexandra made out with my boyfriend. Rather, I was lost.
I mean sure, it was two weeks before school started. My boyfriend, sitting across the table. Alexandra next to me.
My hands keep shaking, my eyes keep glancing from the clock on the wall to Nicholas, and the insides of my cheeks taste of blood. Someone needs to break this silence, and I guess that would be me.
"Nic, we're over." He nods his head, his dirty blond hair stays in place. His chocolate brown eyes looked up at me solemnly.
"I'm sorry." Nic's usually ecstatic personality was hidden with deep breaths and silent swear words as I left a five dollar tip on the restaurants table.
"It was bound to happen," I whisper back. Grabbing Alexandra's hand, I look back at Nic one more time and mouth a goodbye.
As the door to the restaurant closes, Alexandra pulls back from me. "What the hell?"
"What?!" I snap back at my best friend.
"Why the hell would you-"
"Look," cutting her off I adjust my purse and prepare to trudge towards my house, "I broke up with him. Sometimes things don't workout. Alexandra, you guys made out. But that is not what caused me to break up with him. We're going into eleventh grade. He's going to be a senior. We've been 'the trio' since middle school. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship like that."
"Like what?" Alexandra unlocked her car.
"I'll tell you soon." Holding back tears, I grab earbuds out of my purse.
"Are you coming with me?" Dark blue eyes laced with concern, Alexandra sits in her newly painted baby blue Jeep without shutting the door.
"Not tonight, I need the fresh air."
"But that's almost an hour and a half walk to your house."
"It's okay. I'm okay. I just need to be alone. I'll text you later." As I turn around I hear Alexandra slam her car door.
With earbuds in, and my music playing, I breath deeply and start walking.
• • •
Sitting on a swing, I couldn't help but cry. It had only been fourth-two minutes since I started walking. I was close enough to home. It was almost eleven. The sky was pitch black, but you could see a faint violet. The moon shone brightly even though clouds covered most of it. The stars were everywhere tonight.
Closing my blue-grey tear filled eyes, I pushed off. The swing kept getting higher, so I leaned back. Opening my eyes, salt filled tears fell down my cheeks curving down to my cherry red lips. My dark hair stuck below my ears, above my shoulders. Sucking in air, I look at the stars. I never understood why I didn't take astronomy. It always interested me, but I had my future set.
Take artistic classes, go to a nice college, get a degree in some sort of writing, another degree in photography and film, and a third degree in something that has been undetermined.
My lilac tank top dared to show my lacy black bra, and the leather high waisted shorts I wore, not caused me to stick to the plastic swings.
Damn this summer heat. Damn my tears. I wasn't even crying because I broke up with Nic. We both knew it was going to happen. I'm crying because I'm out. I'm out of it all. Of everything I've always feared.
"Hey! Hey you! Are you ok?" I heard someone yell.
I stopped moving my legs. I dared to let go of the metal chains to wipe the tears off my face. I was having a hard time getting this swing to stop. I could barely reach the wood-chips underneath the swing set. This is what happens when you're four foot ten and sixteen. You struggle a lot.
Trying to look at the person, I clear my throat, and say "Yeah, I'm fine," loud enough for them to hear.
"Are you sure?" I can see a little girl, about five, say in a sweet high-pitched voice.
"I'm sure." I smile to show her that I'm fine.
"Lizzie, get over here! Stop talking to strangers. It's not safe." I hear a males voice. The curly auburn haired girl turns around and grabs the guys hand.
"But there's a girl on the swings." Lizzie pouts. "She's pretty."
I mean thanks little girl, but I'm not at all pretty. I mean sure I had my "pretty" days, but I sure as hell am not any sort of pretty.
"You're right, Lizzie. That pretty girl is you." He picks her up, and kisses her forehead.
"No!! Julian, there's a pretty girl on the swings! Look. I swear." She whines out, pointing towards me.
"You never swear, Lizzie. It's a bad thing. But for you I'll look."
I don't know why I didn't leave. I could've left. I could've been nearing home. I looked between the two.
His eyes followed where she was pointing.
"You're right, there is a girl."
"She looks like she needs a hug. Can I give her a hug?" She whispers the last part.
"She might not want a-"
"She needs one. Hold Bella and Bryan for me." She handed her brother two small baby dolls.
Getting off of the swing, I finally start walking home. Well I tried. I felt little arms wrap around me.
"You needed a hug."
A/N: So each chapter has a song title as the chapter name. The first song is Bellyache by Billie Eilish.
Also here is her outfit. I know most readers like to envision it themselves, but this is what I envisioned (I made the outfit with Polyvore; yes I'm lame)
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