I'm not okay

Faking Happiness

It's another social gathering, yet another time to paste a smile across my face. Another day pretending to be okay.

I smile while they talk about the new movie everyone seems to be talking about these days. I think they want to go see it in the weekend but I can't really follow the conversation as I phase out. It's been happening a lot these days. An incontrollable desire to lose myself to my thoughts. My thoughts of self-hate & depression. I'm trying to scream but nobody seems to be able to hear me , they look at me confused, mockingly even. And I just want to give up trying to get out. I remember feeling happy once but it went away before I could get attached.

Depression is a murderer. It killed the girl I used to be. In fact I am the human contradiction now. I want to stop hurting myself and yet that's all I seem to do. I don't want people to see my scars and yet I want them to know I'm not okay. I start imagining it would be better if I could learn to finally come to terms with myself. I plan the moment again, like every day. The moment I'll gather enough courage to tell them. The moment they'll look at me and say that I'm just craving attention. That I was just saying this to be 'cool'. Or maybe ask me to 'deal with it' or 'grow up'. They won't even notice that every word they're saying is like a stab in the gut. The moment they'll wake up the following morning realising their mistake but it'll be too late. "Hey!" I look around the room. She's looking at me expectedly. "What?" I ask... "Were you even listening? We're planning to go to the movies next Saturday...Wanna join?". "Ummm sure why not" I say while planning another day of faking, coming to terms with the fact that I probably will never have the courage to speak up. Until one day I'll just self destruct.