The unbelievable top secret diary of pig

Chapter 1

Day 1

Hello
Today I is very happy! Farmer gave me two big blobs of slops. I ate them super fast and they made me very windy. So I went out to the yard straight to chickens house and did some big stinky farts right next to it. I really doesn't like chickens. They is evil. I is sure if you meet them you will the they is evil too. Chickens are evil because:
1. When I is not looking they stick there evil beaks into my bowl and gobbles up all my slops. If I shouts at them the just pecks me on my head. They has nasty evil sharp beaks and it hurts.
2. When cow lies down to sleep, they hops on here back and does little pops all over her. They thinks it is very funny. I thinks it is very nasty. I wish cow would poo on their evil little bodies.
3. They steals my friend ducks special food. As soon as farmer is not looking they stick their evil beaks in and gobble it all up. Duck pretends that he doesn't care, but I knows deep down inside he does.
4. They has nasty little eyes. They is very black. Like little dark holes of pure evil. They makes me very scared just looking at them.

Anyways, once I was finished stinking up the chickens house I went over to see duck. I likes duck very, very much. I knows if you met duck you would like him to.

There used to be more than I duck, but one night fox came and ate them all up. He ate ducks Mum, Dad and all his brothers and sisters. Fox is very mean. He made duck sad. I knows what it's like to have no Mum, Dad, brothers and sisters. I got taken away from them when I was little. So I made a extra-special effort to cheer duck up. Me and duck are best friends now. Duck says I'm like a brother, even though I don't have feathers or funny, flapping feet. Duck makes me laugh.

Duck lives in a little shed in the middle of duck pond. Now fox can't get him 'cos fox can't swim. Ha, ha! Fox is not so clever now!

Duck is very clever, he speaks lots of languages. He speaks: Pig, chicken, cow, sheep and farmer! He is much better than I am 'cos I can only speak duck and a little bit of cow and sheep. I can't speak farmer but I can understand a little bit if I really concentrates. I hope you speaks pig or you can't understand anything I'm writing. Ha, ha!

I visited duck today and he told me that the evil chickens are planning something. He says he heard them talking about a super secret mission. They didn't even steal ducks food today, and that means they must be up to something 'cos they always steal ducks food.

Duck also said I should eat less. He says that way I will live longer. But I says if I don't eat enough I will shrink right down to a little pig. Duck says if I is small farmer will keep me longer. But farmer is very happy when I eats. Duck can be silly sometimes.

At the end of the day farmer put me back into pig house. He gave me a special back scratch and I snorted very happily. Farmer loves me big. Duck is soooooo wrong. I is going to make myself as big as I can. That way farmer will love me more!