When you walk down the aisle you want the one person in the whole world that you love the most in life to be standing at the end. That's what my mom used to say. Now that I think about it, is Kol really the one person I love most in life? I know with no doubts in my mind, my body, my heart and my soul that I love him but am I actually ready to marry him? Hell...I stopped aging at age 17 and now I'm getting married at 20 technically. I've been with the same man since I was 17 years old. He is my first love but will he be my last? So many questions run through my head like, am I ready for this? Do I actually want to be a Mikaelson? Am I ready to take on the responsibiltes of a wife? And the most important question of all...will I ever have a family? Kol obviously has doubts about kids. I want kids though, I know I can't have them but I can adopt. Kol doesn't want them, I can see it in his eyes. Maybe it's the fear of turning out like his father..maybe it's the fear of our children not excepting who or what we are. I have fears too. Maybe I will be a horrible mother. Maybe I will mess up. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to pursue a family. The only bad part is...Kol already has a daughter. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to have children with me..or adopt with me. But his daughter left town the day after we got engaged and there is no sign of her ever coming back...honestly thank god for that...Kol honestly didn't want her around anyways. That's also a fear of mine. If Kol left his own flesh and blood what will he do to me when he needs to run away again? Take me with him? Leave me alone? Never speak to me again? Fall in love with another girl? UGH! I need to stop focusing on the doubts. I should focus on the positives. The fact that I'll be giving my heart and my life to him..and he'll be giving his to me. I'll be his new family. I'll get to see him standing at the end of the aisle smiling at me..hopefully crying. If I don't see him showing any emotion I am turning around and walking down the aisle as many times as I need to, to see him cry. And mostly I'll get to spend the rest of my immortal life with him by my side. Sometimes I wake up from nice dreams I'm having about us. In these dreams we are human...we are already married and we have 3 kids..2 little boys and a baby girl. The dreams are so vivid it's almost as if it's not a dream at all but a vision of the future. I see Kol and I sitting on the front porch of a home in the country and our kids playing tag and hide and seek in the front yard. I wake up crying from these dreams because no matter what I know...I'll never have that. The dreams are always exactly the same. They never change no more detail, no less detail. I want that though. To sit on a big front porch in the country side, to see my kids running around in the front yard. I want a life that will be good to me in the end. Maybe I should tell Kol...Maybe I should just get out of town...think for awhile. Maybe I should just give up all together.
HELLO DARLINGS!!! SO AS YOU COULD SEE WE ARE IN THE VERY TROUBLED MIND OF ADDIE. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GONNA HAPPEN? IS SHE GONNA STAY WITH KOL? IS SHE GONNA LEAVE? ADDIE DEFINETLY HAS A HARD DECISION TO MAKE. XX LOVE YOU ALL!!
