COSMOS | Complete

THE WATERFALL: 4

"Asher. I don't want to tell you again."

I scramble to loop my arms through my backpack, shaking. His eyes are no longer blue jewels, they're black ice. He crosses his arms, watching me, impatient. He wants me to get out. He wants me to leave as fast as I can.

I'm desperate for one last shot. Aaron Blakely is not lost. He must be in there somewhere, and he must be screaming for me, must be needing help. I will help. He rescued me. I must repay the favor.

"Aaron, you're not yourself."

At once, he turns on me, enraged. "I said get out!" He advances on me, pushing my shoulders. I jolt back with a cry, hot tears springing at the corners of my eyes. I am not crying at his words, I am not crying at his actions, I am crying because the black ice has turned into black fire, much like the fire that lives in the back of my head, much like the fire that is seeping back into my skull.

Aaron's hands rain on my shoulders, my arms, my chest. "Get out! Get out! Get out!"

With a scream, I rip myself from his hold, flying from the opening. My feet are a flurry beneath as I run as fast as I can, as far as I can, from him, from the cave, from the memories, from me. I run and I run and I run and now I am at the bottom of the ravine and with a strangled gasp, I realize it's high, it's far too high. I will die here, I will die with a hallucination of Aaron, I will die knowing what's wrong with me and I will take it to my grave. I am a coward, and no mental disease can hide that.

I whip around, casting a glance behind me, and now Aaron has emerged from the cave, and he's chasing after me. His feet pound against the turf, not sinking, as if running on water. Cold eyes, cold heart. He's not real. I know that. But if he's all that I have left of him, how can I let him go?

I'm tempted to turn back. I'm tempted to run to him, let him do what he wants with me. Take his anger out on a traitor, empty his veins of poison. I'm yours. I'm yours. My fault. My fault.

My eyes drift to the top of the waterfall. Up there, seemingly miles away, an Asher and Aaron are holding hands, staring at the deafening fall below them. Aaron is holding up three fingers, eager. Asher looks as if she'll vomit.

With two fingers in the air, Aaron lurches himself off the edge. He pulls Asher after him with a loud cheer, seeming to freeze in the air, then plummeting down towards the pool below him. His laugh is so loud it shakes the ravine, thundering over Asher's strangled scream, his muscular body whipping through the air. Aaron's feet reach towards the waiting water below him, graceful and flying, a much different vision than the tumbling girl beside him, still screaming for dear life. The two of them dive into the water with a great splash, submerging under the waves. They don't reemerge.

The other Aaron is still thundering towards me, head and shoulders thrust forward. I lock the image of the girl and boy flying off the waterfall in my memory, then latch onto a rock jutted out above me. Lungs burning, my feet clumsily search for a foothold, finally finding a dip in the small mountain to step into. Inch by inch, I work my way up, clawing at small branches and roots, forcing my body up when it should be down. By the time I haul myself over the edge, I'm not sure if I can take another step.

It takes all my strength to glance below the ravine, but Aaron is gone. My figment of memory has served its purpose. He, like the real Aaron, has vanished.

I choke out a laugh, reveling in the ludicrously of it. Running from no one ... more scared than I have ever been before, all from a pitiful hallucination. I mindlessly reach a hand behind my head, rubbing at my skull. My fault. My fault.

My palm brushes my cheek, still wet. With a jolt, I pull myself up, fingers lightly tracing down my face. Damp. My heart seizes.

Tears.

I try to laugh aloud, but there's a lump in my throat. A lump in my throat. A small little dam, trembling from the force of water. Miles and miles and miles of it, all harbored and saved, but suddenly unleashed, hungry for destruction. With a gasp, the dam breaks into a million pieces, and the water surges forward, finally free. Tears streak from my eyes like their own little waterfalls, and I freeze, still in wonder, feeling the warm wetness stream down my cheeks.

My chasm opens up. The emptiness is there. It sucks me in like a black hole, grabbing whatever life I have left, leaving me breathless, leaving me sobbing. I hunch over myself, choking out tears, my coat growing damp. I think of Aaron, his arms locked around two stunning girls that I can't place. Finally back in his old world, leaving me behind for my own. I served my purpose. He throws me in the recycling bin, and doesn't look back.

I have been the dumb girl that I swore I wouldn't turn into. I have made the mistakes that I have tried to avoid my entire life. I have done this to myself, and there's no one else to blame, but me and my diseased brain, both desperate for a different life that they will never receive. I was stupid to think that one boy could change that. I was stupid to ruin the best relationship I've ever had, and the only relationship I'll ever have.

I sit there, beside the edge of the ravine, crying my heart out. I cry for what seems like hours, so long that I start to hate myself and the tears that I had been waiting for. Gradually, however, my sobs begin to soften, and my lungs regain their breath. I roughly rub my cheeks and pull myself to my feet. I know what I must do. I've just been to cowardly to do it.

I begin trooping back to my car, legs stiff. I dread my next destination. I dread leaving the home that isn't mine. However, it's time to stop lying to myself, and lying to the world. It's time for the criminal to come clean. The astronaut to return to Earth. No one will welcome them home, but is home still home with people you don't know?

My car is waiting for me outside the forest, pristine and unchanged. "You won't believe what shit I just put myself through," I tell her, climbing into the drivers' seat. I throw the backpack into the seats behind me, rev the engine, then pull out of the lot. I pause, looking out the window one last time. The tall, majestic trees blink back at me, leaves dipping in the wind. A good-bye. A good-night.

I crack a small smile. "It's been lovely," I whisper.

The trees are still watching me as I drive away.