Let It Be Me

Let It Be Me- Chapter Five

Chapter Five.

I see a tall boy with longish black hair begin to enter the stairs, it’s Taylor, I presume. I hold my breath, trying to be as quiet as possible, and I turn my head towards the wall, so maybe he won’t recognize me, in case he already heard my sobbing. No such luck.

“Jess?” The tall, dark, and handsome stranger asks.

I pretend not to hear him.

He repeats himself. “Jess? ”

I wait a moment to see if he leaves, but I hear no footsteps.

I decide I have no choice but to turn around and face him. Sure enough, it’s Taylor.

“Jess, are you okay?”

I exhale deeply. “…….Yeah, I’m totally fine,” I respond sarcastically, “I just enjoy spending my free-time alone in a stairwell, crying my eyes out. Doesn’t everyone?”

A moment after those words escape my mouth, I regret it.

“…I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair of me……………...I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately….”

“Don’t apologize Jess, I can’t imagine what this must be like for you,” Taylor says to me as he advances toward me. “Losing your dad like that…” he sits down facing me, not saying anything for a moment before continuing, “…No one as beautiful as you should ever have to deal with such an ugly tragedy.”

I can feel my cheeks heat up, with tears still stinging behind my eyes. I stare at the ground trying to avoid his gaze. I wait while before finally breaking the silence.

“It’s not even that…it’s just………” I stop speaking mid-sentence.

“It’s just, what, Jess?” Taylor asks.

“……Never mind.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah… I’m sure.” I manage to mumble as I try to hold back tears.

A single tear escapes my left eye and as it slides down my cheek, Taylor reaches over and wipes it away with his thumb. I look up, no longer avoiding his eyes, and he smiles at me. I return a weak smile.

“I’m really sorry about earlier…” He explains, “I wouldn’t have pressed you like that if I’d known.”

The words “I know” somehow escape my mouth.

He scoots over to my side and I lightly rest my head on his shoulder. He doesn’t resist, and after testing the waters for a moment, he wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling me in closer, and we both just sit there, breathing, and taking it all in.

A few minutes of silence pass before Taylor softly asks me if I want to head back to class. Before I can answer, the bell rings, signally the end of class.

Taylor chuckles awkwardly as he says, “Well, I guess that’s not an option anymore.”

He stands up before the rush of students comes stampeding through. He offers his hand to me, and I gladly take it. He helps me up, and we walk back to get our backpacks from Ms. Woods’ room, before parting ways and heading on to our next classes.

My head is spinning as I walk just a couple doors down to AP US History. As I take my seat, I try to wrap my mind around all that has happened today. I don’t have much time, seeing as Mr. Markley begins to take attendance, and soon I have the class syllabus in my hand, and I’m listening to him drone on and on about class expectations and rules and blah blah blah.

When I get to study hall next period, thankfully the class rules only take a minute or two, seeing as they’re basically just the school rules, I have the entire period to think and to breathe. For me, one of the best ways to do that has always been through writing, so I plug in my headphones, turn on my favorite Pandora station, pull out my journal, and begin writing…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Reminders

When things have been painful

For so long, with no end in sight

If something makes you forget it all

It’s not hard to forget that happiness is always fleeting

It’s easy to get caught up in the moment

It’s easy to forget that the world

Is really a big place of disappointment

Of heartbreak, toil and trouble

Pain will always be around the corner,

Greatness never lasts forever

And beauty is often

Just one big deceit

I won’t let that happen to me

I won’t get caught up in this

Because no matter what

Times will always be changing

For better or worse,

Things will always change

Nothing lasts forever

And I can’t forget that.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I drop my pen and review my poem.

Eh. It’s not my best work….. But at least I got my emotions out.

I stare into space listening to music until the final bell rings, trying to remember life before this summer.

When I get home, I drop my bags and suffer through a few minutes of awkward small talk with my mom.

I go for a walk to clear my mind, and when I return I head straight to my room. I spend time picking out my outfit for tomorrow, again careful to make sure it’ll cover my wrists, painting my nails, and organizing my drawers. Anything to keep myself busy, and keep myself from my thoughts. When I finally head back downstairs, my mom’s already left for the hospital. Without dad, things have been tight financially, so she’s had to take extra nursing shifts, which includes working nights. Not that I mind. It’s nice to have her out of the house. It seems like lately, if we even acknowledge each other’s presence at all, we’re either attempting to find something to talk about, or we’re screaming at each other.

I decide to take advantage of the fact that I have the house to myself, so I throw some pizza in the oven, and while they’re baking, I take a quick shower and change into my favorite pj shorts and tank top. After dinner, I blast Ke$ha and dance around the house like nobody’s business. I even break out my old “Sing it! : Pop Hits” game for Wii, and have a karaoke party with myself. It feels nice to just not give a crap for once, and do what I want. I get on the internet for a while, before reading and heading to bed. My mom never calls to check in, or see how I’m doing. We haven’t even spoken a word since right after I got home from school, and I feel only slight guilt in realizing that I don’t mind it a bit. I tuck myself into bed and hope tomorrow is at least half as tolerable as today was.