The Boy In My Nutella Jar

Part II

PART II

“Well, you look… interesting today.”

The woman entered the room. Her orange hair looked like she had heated it in the microwave and it had exploded. Her blue dress made it look like she had five large breasts scattered across her chest. Her hooker heels didn’t help the look either. “why, thank you,” she said with her thick Icelandic accent.

“What’s up with the new look?” the psychiatrist asked.

“…well, i was walking in the woods and i felt the gods… well, they penetrated my brain and injected it with warm, wet goo. the goo told me to look at the moon, and so i looked at the moon with my bright warm-like eyes. and then i realized that i am a lunar cycle and so i asked the goo how i could show everyone that i was. and then i felt the goo flow through my body parts and then i felt the gods pick my adrenaline pearls. then they put me through life threatening circumstances when they picked me up and placed me on moon. then the moon licked my pearls and it placed me back on earth. since then the pearls tell me what to do.”

“Really? How interesting.” Sigmunda picked up her clipboard. “You know, I’ve never had a patient like you. I thought that the guy who thought that he was a vegetable was weird, I thought the guy who had a sexual attraction to sinkholes because he thought they were giant vaginas was weird, I thought the guy who read Twilight was weird. But I’ve never had a patient like you. I really don’t think that I can offer you the help that you need. There’s this science lab all the way in LA; I’m sure that they would love to examine…. uh… your brain.”

                “really?  i go there for my new shows for my new project biophilia soon. i will go there very soon.”

“OK. Farewell, Bjork. Have a fun trip.” As soon as Bjork left, Sigmunda opened her secret alcohol cabinet in her office and chugged a whole bottle of vodka. “What the fuck did I just witness?” She opened her jar of Nutella and ate it, wishing that there was a rock-hard penis in there.

                “Stop it, Larry!” I screamed at him. It was Biology class again. It was the end of the period again. Larry was harassing me again with his rock-hard forearm. He grabbed my shoulders with his rock-hard fingertips and then an unknown force pushed us against the wall. We were now in a really awkward position. I could feel his weapon press against me, but it just wasn’t the same… It wasn’t Leif.

The bell rung and then I ran and ran. Then an unknown force made me fall into the ground. I looked up and I could see the faint outline of the moon.

As soon as I realized I was trying too hard to put literary devices into this story I got up and then I ran like a runner that had started to run.

Dammit.

Anyways, I got home, and Leif wasn’t there. I cried for two hours [I know, I’ve been cutting down lately] and then I realized that there was an iPad lying on my bed. As soon as I sat down on my rock-hard bed I tapped the home button and, like that, a hologram opened up and appeared above the iPad. And then I saw… the woman in my dreams.

“Who are you?!? WHY ARE YOU INTERFERING WITH MY SEX LIFE YOU BITCH?!” I started to scream at her but then I heard an unlocking noise and realized that it was Gertrude! I pressed the home button again but the hologram wouldn’t go away.

“Fuck…” I muttered. To the woman I said: “Shut the fuck up for the next twenty minutes or I will rip your adrenaline pearls off of your body.”

Leaving another plothole open, I walked out of my room. “Hi Mom.”

“Why you!” She hit me in the face. “WHY DO YOU EXIST?! YOU WHORE!” Gertrude hit me again so hard I fell to the floor. And then I heard a noise… A really annoying noise.