I was a failure, a complete and utter failure.
Once the words on the letters finally registered in my mind, I threw the papers down and scampered up to my room again, not even bothering to give any sort of explanation to my parents. I knew they would read the letters as soon as I ran away; they would know what had happened.
I couldn't understand it. How had I not managed to get into college? My grades were the only positive aspect of my life at the moment and they were certainly good enough to qualify for the schools I applied to. And if my grades weren't enough, I was sure that working at the shoe store plus all the dance classes I took would show that I'm pretty well-rounded. I mean, that's what they wanted, right? That's what every teacher, guidance counselor, parent, and authority figure has said about college and I was positive I had done everything to prepare myself for that.
What was I supposed to do? There was no way in hell that I wanted to live at home and go to a community college for a few years, and I didn't even know if I would be able to wait that long to go to a real college or not. There wasn't time for me to apply to any other schools, either, so I was stuck.
I had no future.
And if I had no future that meant I would have no real job, no career, no money, nothing. Maybe I was overexaggerating but still. I had no other plans for myself, and it wasn't like I could take a year off to travel because I didn't have enough money to do so.
Speaking of money, I would have to find another job. After the falling out with Michael two months ago, I had slowly begaun to make up excuses to not go into work. I just didn't want to deal with other people, pretending like I was a cheery, optimnistic salesgirl when in reality I was anything but. After a few weeks, my manager called and told me they had to let me go, that I was wasting their time. I said fine, I wasn't having a good time working there anyway, and abruptly hung up.
With absolutely no income on my part, I decided to stop going to dance classes as well. I paid for half of them, but with my lack of money my bank account would be wiped clean in just a few months. I knew that they were also putting a large dent in both of my parents' accounts, too, so I figured it would just be best if we didn't have to worry about them anymore. Besides, I didn't enjoy them nearly as much as I used to. All of a sudden they were a constant reminder of how I would never be skinny enough to do partner work and lifts, never flexible enough, never graceful enough, just never good enough. I didn't need that, and to be honest, I didn't miss going to them at all.
As I flopped down on my bed once again, I felt my phone vibrate on my mattress, signaling I had a phone call. Michael's name appeared on the caller ID but there was no way I was going to talk to him. I was done dealing with his shit. He didn't care about me like I thought he did, especially since he was choosing now to put any type of effort into our friendship after I had confronted him about everything.
Now I was really alone - no Michael, no friends, nothing but my family who were supposed to love me even if they didn't. Besides, I doubt my parents cared all that much since they were so focused on Christy's sporting career. I had always been the oddball, and now that I wasn't going to college they certainly would overlook everything I did since it wouldn't have any meaning or purpose to them.
Nothing but a failure, that's all I was to anyone.
---
I did everything in my willpower to get out of going to school again but my parents forced me to go. I didn't even see a point in going anymore, to be honest. Sure, I would graduate but only to come out into the world with nothing to do.
So I sat at those damned desks, wasting my time learning all this useless information just to be able to get out of that school. The hours, days, and weeks dragged on and I kept falling deeper and deeper into the darkness while everyone around me was doing the exact opposite. They were all giddy over senior privileges, prom, going off to college, graduation parties, the whole bit, and I wouldn't be a part of any of it. It was as if they were mocking me, rubbing their happiness in my face while I could barely even twitch the muscles in my face to screw up into something even remotely similar to a smile.
