The Color of Music

Stay.

(Sonata's pov)

It wasn't a dream. It's 5 am and I'm still on the wooden floor. I'm staring at the creme ceiling. I watch the ceiling fan turn endlessly, my mind was blank yet a thousand things were churning threw it. It wasn't a dream.

I couldn't mentally fathom what my father had done. A warm crimson substance is dripping down my stomach.  I wondered how much blood I had lost, it didn't hurt anymore unless I moved. So I just lay there, replaying what my father had done and tried to do. Thoughts of the day I told my father what David was doing swirled threw my mind.

                                               (Flashback)

David exited the house leaving me alone. My violin case in my hand unused. My father was paying him 1,000 an hour to teach me, but we rarely played anymore, our time was taken up by him and his terrible, filthy hands. As soon as the door closed I broke down. My 12 year old self sobbed enough tears to fill a river. This had been going on for 2 years and I could no longer take it. I felt like I had his hand prints all over me, I had a sign on my forehead that everyone could see. My back slid down the wall and I brought my legs up to my chest. My world was draining color, my green eyes were so dead. My breathing was heavy, my heart beat was faint.

My father enters the room with an empty wine bottle in his hand, a frequent occurrence since my mom died a few months ago. "Daddy?" I questioned softly. It was like I was invisible, he walked past me as if he didn't see his daughter curled into a ball by the front door in tears. He walked into the living room and sat on the maroon couch. I wanted to follow him, but the living room was where David touched me for the first time. I couldn't bring myself to go into that room with feeling sick in many ways. I need to tell him, I can't do this anymore, I need to tell him. David's words rung in my head, he said he'd hate me if I told, all this time I've been protecting him and I couldn't find a single reason why. He said it was love but, I didn't want it anymore. Love didn't feel good, and from what David told me, he was just showing the love a father shows his daughter. It shocked me this was normal, that girls like me had to go threw this and still managed to smile.

"Daddy?" I croaked threw my tears. I mustered enough courage to enter the living room. With every step I took the room became smaller, closing in on me. "Daddy please.. I need you."  I cried. I walked closer. He was slouched on the couch breathing heavily. "What?" He snapped bitterly. I took a deep breath. I was gonna do it. It was finally time to end this. I knew it was normal, but I didn't like it, maybe if they loved me enough they could stop if I asked. "Daddy it's D-David." I choked a bit on the last word. I couldn't speak his name. "David he does stuff...like touching. I-I know it's normal but I was thinking maybe you could fire him?" My voice was basically a whisper, using felt so ashamed for telling, it was normal, what was I complaining about? My father was silent, I could feel the pure rage admitting off him. I steps two steps back. "What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Talking. About?" He hissed venomously. I gasped, he had never cursed at me before. I staggered back another two steps. I was met by a wall, I wanted it to swallow me. "I u-uh I meant th-that. I was..." I took another deep breath. "David loves me!!!!!" I screeched, thinking my words would explain it all for me. My father just sat there glaring, his eyes were bloodshot and bored into mine. "David loves me. I don't like it...the touching. It feels bad, he touches me in places. I asked the maid and she said no one should ever touch me th-" I was cut off by my father's fist in my face. I was so shocked I didn't even realize what happened when I fell to the floor. My hand  shot up the my right cheek. I'd never felt such pain, who knew It'd become familiar. I began to sob. "Daddy? I don't underst-" I was cut off by my father kicking my in the stomach. The force alone caused me to cough up blood. All I could feel was pain, I clutched my stomach. My mind was racing, my father had done this! It wasn't even a possibility I considered. Was this because I said something about David? The taste of blood lingered in my mouth. "Daddy I'm sorry." I cried.

He kicked my again and let out a grunt. "So you act like a slut, and then tell a maid!" He roared. I just cried, not responding. He kicked me again and I whimpered. "Do not ever speak again slut!" He screeched. I blacked out with another kick.

                                              (End of flashback)

I was so cold. Goosebumps were everywhere. I hadn't seen Peaches in a day or two. I tried to get up and my body screamed in agony. Despite the protesting I got to my feet. I was shaking, I couldn't seem to make it stop. Putting weight on a nearby wall a walked to my bed. Near the far end was a first aid kit was bandages. I hissed in pain when I poured the cleaning alcohol on my cuts. Fresh tears stung my eyes as the searing pain seeped into my skin. I sobbed. I couldn't hold back. My life was so terrible, I didn't want it, it didn't want it.

"Help." I whispered. Hoping my words would reach something like a God. If God was real I didn't blame him, I deserved the life I lived, every hit, every insult, I deserved everything. I didn't deserve help. I was selfish, many people out there probably had worse lives and I was complaining.

I felt like glass, if someone touched me I'd break. I was so tired yet couldn't sleep, I knew my dreams would plague me. I could still feel my father hands roaming my body. I cringed, why!?! Why!?! What did I do to deserve his treatment. I was so dirty, tainted with the hands of men I trusted. Never again will anyone love me. Not that I'd want there love, I learned the hard way love is something you shouldn't yearn for. It a curse. My father had love and is now miserable. I had love and am now incapable of finding it again. Sadness' claws scratched me skin deep, then sunk it fangs into me, infecting me with it's deadly venom.

I just laid on the bed. I only truly owned one thing and my father tried to take it. I'm going to have to play violin soon and it's inevitable. I looked up to the ceiling, so many things raced threw my thoughts.
I have to play, so will I play well? Will I put in effort? If I don't my father will beat me, but he'll do that anyway so there's not much of a change. Is it worth trying? Anger made it's way into my heart. My life wasn't mine, I could end it all and be doing everyone a favor.

I'll play.

I'll play, I'll be good, and I'll try.

Thoughts of him will make it's way into my brain but I'll play. My walls will be down but I'll play. I'll let out every emotion I've kept in all these years. Why will I play? Because it'll grant me release. Threw pain I'll be reborn. Happiness is no longer an option.

I let out a humorless laugh. I'm so pathetic. I've agreed to cause myself pain on purpose because I know I'll break. My mind will shatter if I played again. I was prepared  for it.

I thought of the boys. They seemed like such distant memories though I just saw them yesterday. Blake's smile, Rue's playful scowl, Mark's corny jokes, they were so bright. Why did they choose someone like me? I had a feeling that didn't know themselves.

When I thought of them I actually felt something other than pain. Thinking of seeing them again I was actually looking forward to. I was being selfish, I knew me hanging out with them was dimming there light. But I was addicted, with them the world had color. People weren't all evil if you looked close enough. I wondered how long before they throw me away. How long before they move on to a new play thing. How long before they see how broken I am and not want me. I'd wait for that time.

Then...

Then I'd end it.

I'd end everything so they'd be happy.

I sighed finding my conclusion. I'd try to be happy as long as my life allowed. I'd please my father and play at my dismay. Then, when they all throw me away. When I'm sure I can't be saved. When I'm positive I'm to broken.

I Sonata Albon will end my life.