No one ever tells you the truth about addiction.
No one ever tells you how it feels like you've taken the entire weight of the galaxy and placed it inside your chest.
No one ever tells you that it feels like you're standing on top of the world and at the edge of a cliff and one breath can send you spiraling over the edge.
And no one will ever tell you what it feels like after you've been awake for four days straight, how your eyes have given up trying to see straight, how exhaustion has seeped into your bones, how your brain refuses to stay focused on any one thought, and all you want to do is close your eyes but the beast inside your throat is screaming, "more, more!"
They won't tell you what it feels like to have not eaten anything since only God knows when, that you can actually see your body wasting away in the mirror but every time you try to bring food to your lips you can't force yourself to put it in your mouth. How you're chugging Gatorade after Gatorade because cotton is filling your throat and you once heard a fellow junkie say that the electrolytes will sustain you when food cannot.
No one tells you about the dark tendrils of paranoia, creeping into your brain, wrapping their dirty fingers around your face, terrifying you, horrifying you, your heart beating so loud you're sure everyone around you can hear it.
They'll never mention the emptiness in your heart, the lack of feeling, your emotions being slowly replaced with the burn and drip and awful taste in your mouth.
No one mentions the battle you face, the war raging inside of you. How every action, every sniff, every tear, every sneeze rips a new hole inside you, tears you farther and farther from who you used to be.
And no one will tell you about every morning, you watch the tiny fingers of dawn spread across the sky, how you hear the birds chirping without a care in the world. How peace fills your head and your heart is calmed, and how you finally feel like you've filled the void inside your chest.
I will be the one who tells you these things. I will tell you how fucking amazing it feels when you've stayed up all night with only the help of energy drinks and coffee, how the first time you get to watch the sun rise with a sound mind and a clean heart, how it feels like the entire universe has shifted for you, but in the most beautiful and magical way possible.
I will tell you, addiction is a monster, a demon sent straight from hell, and sniffing and snorting will feel amazing for a while, but it will fail you. You will hit rock bottom, but I promise you, your journey once you get clean will be phenomenal. You will rise from the ashes not a changed phoenix, but as the whole goddamn fire.
