All that is (or ever was or ever will be) [Mina x Momo]

Red color

Lights made her crazy. Or maybe not only the lights. Maybe it was the memory of an old friend, of an old lover. The need to get rid of this image, knowing it won't work, made her totally out of her mind. She drank. She smoked. She did everything that is forbidden to forget but there was this girl, at the back of her head. Momo tried to focus on something else but her body was craving for the girl who wasn't hers. And she never will. This fact killed her but made her alive because she knew, despite her chance being lower than zero, that if one day she gets the chance to kiss once again those lips, it would be worth all the fucking pain.

If this was love, Momo would have abandoned. She knew she could probably be able to find someone else. What she felt towards Mina wasn't pure love. If this was pure love she wouldn't hate her, she wouldn't want to come into a real confrontation to spit out everything she distastes about her. Things would be different because if she was truly in love, she would have let go. But it was beyond that, an obsession, a need to tear Mina apart, to be torn apart with those piercing eyes.

She wanted to create a deep connection and she had that, she felt that, she couldn't get out of her head that one time they crossed the line. She couldn't get rid of those cries of pleasure, of how much Mina seemed to need Momo, to get her to the edge and they made it, without love but with passion.

What was the foundation of a relationship ? Is it really made of love ? Of needs ? Of what ? Do we have to live together to have a relationship ? Is there even the need to like the person ? Momo never wanted to commit herself with someone who treated her like shit. She had dealt enough with jealousy, fought enough to possess and the only thing she got was rejection. And despite rejection, harsh words, she wanted Mina. What was their relationship ?

She sat inside the nearest booth, a new drink inside her hands and she cried. She was alone, asked no friend for help and wished the pain will go away. She couldn't think of meeting another person, it was like her soul needed to be available for Mina if one day she chooses to look back. She was ready to dedicate herself to this life style, preserving herself for the one, that girl she didn't love but wished she could.

Momo often thought about the meaning of life and if it would be worth it without all the adrenaline Mina made her feel. Can we live without fuel ? Without the essence that pushes us towards craziness ? She felt dull without her presence and alive whenever their eyes met. But Momo crossed the boundaries, while being too enrolled in her need to possess, she broke Mina.

That night she came home late, she had a huge headache that made her remember that getting drunk was a shitty idea. She barely remembered getting inside the bar and coming home, it was a blur but she could remember her thoughts about Mina. This made her want to call her, to yell, to cry, a million of emotions building inside her stomach. What did she need from Mina ? Love ? Sex ? Everything ? She could only picture the girl with a bright smile, running under the sun to get under a beautiful three with a man by her side. This broke her heart, this was unnecessary, this was masochism. But she was realistic despite her devoted soul that only wished to be touched by God's hand and be guided to the right pass to make Mina want her, desire her like the first time, like she did many other times. When did Mina lose interest in her ? Probably when she started getting too invasive, too present in her life. Mina was like a butterfly and Momo came with a bottle of glass, caught it, hurt it in its freedom and everything changed ? She had no clue and was scared to face the truth. She also knew Mina had a past but this was another story, a personal story, a boundary she couldn't cross, an unsaid rule.

Whenever she got to work or out with her friends, she always ended up alone inside her apartment, in the middle of the night with distinct words inside her mind "maybe one day we can try to be friends". It was very clear and unclear at the same time. It meant that they weren't friends, so what were they ? Two souls who got hurt by each other ? Would they be able to heal ? Or was it a better idea to just get off each other's life ? Momo couldn't grasp what they were meant to be or what kind of relation would cause less pain. She sighed, her heart tightened in her chest, the sensation was scary. She felt a ball forming inside her stomach and coming up, settling to her chest, making it heavy and alive. If emotions had colors, her heart would be colored in red because of the pain, the anxiety and fear. Her brain couldn't function well anymore and Mina's face became the source of this whole uneasiness. She felt empty and Mina was the missing piece to make her live, she was her kryptonite.

Could I live without passion ? Momo asked herself.

A/N : I hope you liked. Please tell me, thank you !