Just a thought

You like the idea of her

    Hugging herself tight around the knees, she looked out the window. The sun shined pretty bright outside.

"Uhem. Mrs. Rose-Red?"

    She looked up at the voice. Her therapist Dr. Suzuki adjusted her glasses, reflecting the sun on them so she can't see the eyes of the black haired woman.

"Sorry Doc. What did you say? I didn't hear you.."

    Dr. Suzuki 'hmp'ed and repeated with a slight smile," Alright. Try to listen this time, 'kay? I was asking if you, writing music, helped? Cause it seems as though it has."

    Cal took a moment to process the question and then replayed," Oh uuh, yeah. It's helped. I geuss? I would think so.."
Suzuki nodded and write some stuff down. "And how is your moving away from the relationship doing? Healing?"

    Calamity wasn't sure.. she seemed like she was getting better. But there was still something wrong. She still felt sick. Like all the anger was gone and she just wanted to hide again. Be alone. Cry. Something. Anything but good. It was like she was doing fine and then was falling again. It was like what the heck..

    Suzuki looked up at Calamity from the tops of her glasses. She could see that something was bugging Cal and it wasn't from what was on the topic. Looking at her wrist watch she saw they only had a few minuets left.

"Mrs. Rose-Red?" Calamity looked up at the sound of her name.

"We only have a few minuets left. I have a job for you. I want you to write about how you feel? And then play it for me alright? You can make the next appointment with Becky at the main desk. You know how."

    Calamity nodded. It was the what? The 5th appointment she was about to set up? She knew how to get the job done by then. A beeping noise erupted over the room with that two weman in it, signifying the meeting was over. Calamity got up and walked over to the door.

"Alright. See ya doc! I'll have that song for you.."

    Suzuki nodded and smiled as she was walking back to her desk with her notepad and clipboard. Calamity closed the door quietly and walked out. While walking down the hall to the elevator she tried to decipher what was the matter with her. She really had no idea. Why did it seem like she took 100 steps forward and then 1,000 steps back? She was just kinda down. She was doing better and all that. Sure. She still wasn't eating really. Her sleeping got better but not by much. She always felt sick and she would randomly feel like crying but could never feel sad enough to bring tears.

After setting up her appointment with the lady at the front desk, she made her way to her motorcycle. She had seen it plenty of times before but it was like it looked different. More.. bland. Like the beep, metallic purple was darker and seemed more on the grey side. Running her fingers over the metal she took mental notes before getting on. She slipped her helmet on and inserted the key, turning it so the engine began to run. She kicked the bike stand up with her heel and speed off in the direction of home.

Once she got home and unlocked the door to her apartment. She hung up her helmet and removed her jacket doing the same to it. She slipped off her shoes and left them by the door. She went over to the couch and flopped on it placing her arm over her eyes.

"A song huh..? That can't be hard. After all.. I write them all the time.."

For the rest of that day she had tried and tried to write a song to present to her therapist. She was struggling. Nothing was coming to her. "You like the idea of..uhh...hmmm..." In a burst of frustration she crumpled up the paper and tossed it behind her, letting it fall and land with the rest of them. "This is hopeless!! I can't write shit!!!!" In defeat she slumped in her chair.

"You like the idea of her..." She whispers.
"Just the thought of beauty in your mind...
But rip away the skin" She sings a little louder.
"See a heart that's just pumping black blood.."

She sat up and pushes everything over. She took her Launchpad out and started rigging it up with some tunes.

"You fear all hate and being alone
But hate it when someone tells you that you are loved
--- ~ ---
She holds back her tears and continues.
--- ~ ---
An insecure sadness locked behind a smile
Potential and beauty stuck under it all
Favorite word's "attention," why do we give in?
The good side of you remains in my head

-Memory-
After her first time on stage and singing her song, telling how she felt. It was freeing. Going outside was nice. But being out in the world seemed... draining. Like being out and socializing to much made her wanna curl up and cry. It seemed like all she wanted was to be alone.. It was insane.
---
You like the idea of her
But rip away the skin
You like the idea of her
But rip away the skin

-Memory-
She wanted to rip at her skin. Sometimes it felt to tight. Like the air she was breathing was suffocating her to the point of not being able to breath.
---
You like the idea of her
Thoughts of fun that come playing along
Try to pull me in
Got too close then spit out all alone
You fear all hate and being alone
But hate it when someone tells you that you are loved
Insecure
Potential and beauty stuck under it all
But the good side of you remains in my head
--- ~ ---
At this point she was crying. The tears no longer obeying her wishes and bursting like a rushing river. She kept thinking she had to stop. But she forced herself to keep going. She had to finish it. She had to finish the story. An incomplete story is never satisfying..
--- ~ ---
You like the idea of her
But rip away the skin
You like the idea of her
But rip away the skin
I don't know her you don't know her
I don't know her you don't know her
I don't know her you don't know her
I don't know her you don't know her
You like the idea of her
Just the thought of beauty in your mind
But rip away the skin
See a heart that's just pumping black blood
--- ~ ---
She took some shaky breaths in. She was trying to contain her tears so it was at least audible to her own ears.
--- ~ ---
You like the idea of her
But rip away the skin
I don't know her you don't know her
I don't know her you don't know her
I don't know her you don't know her
I don't know her you don't know her
I don't know her you don't know her
I don't know her you don't know her
You like the idea of her
But rip away the skin

In the evening sun, that shinned through her window, you could clearly see the shaking of her shoulders with her head hanging down. No one could see her exspression as her hair acted as curtains for her face. Silent rain fell in her apartment room. She refused to sob. She was gonna get better. She had to. She just... had to wait.. take her time.. things would get better..
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After She was done singing she sat down on the sofa.
"So.. How was it..?" Calamity was wondering what her doctor would take away from it. Dr. Suzuki sat for a moment. Her eyes slightly widened but the rest of herself was composed. She looked down at her board through her glasses and licked her lips a little.
"Well Mrs. Rose-Red. I think.. I think you just had gone through a lot. Think of this as like.. the stages of grief. You will go through a lot of emotions and be confused. But I also am sensing something else. Something a little more darker. More deeper. I will have to talk to some of my co-workers for collaboration but I will let you know what I find. Over all though. You did well. A+"
Calamity looked up to meet Suzuki in the eyes. When she did she was greeted with a closed eyed smile. Calamity smiled a little herself at her therapists complement. Suzuki looked at her wrist watch as a beeping sound echoes through the room.
"Times up Mrs. Rose-Red. I'll call you when I have a full report, yeah?" Calamity nodded in reply as she gets up and makes her way to the door.
"OH!! I almost forgot. I'm going to be gone all next week. My brother is getting married and I was invited to the wedding. I'm not much for these things but ya'know. Family."
"Oh waw! Congrats. I hope he is very happy and yeah. I get it. Plus I think you need some time off. I'll see you in two weeks then?" Suzuki nodded. "Thank you. See you in two weeks. I'll show you some pictures when I get back." Cal gave one last smile and walked out closing the door making her way to the elevator. To her motorcycle... to home...