Secrets of my Life

Attack

I dont know why, but sometimes the smallest things get to me and i start to have an attack. It dosent happen in public too often thankfully, but when it does, its extremely hard to stop and i usally run to the nearest restroom/ private area.

Once it haplened at church
Another time before school
Then at the mall
Also at gym
Plus at my dads house
Lots of times at home
And more i cant remember right now.

But just today (August 23 2017) it happened while i was in class, chorus to be exact.

They were changing seats and i got switched which wouldn't normally affect me, but then i thought. " Im probably too ugly to be in the front, why would they want me there anyway, my voice is so bad that they want to hide it along with my face ect." Then i started thinking of all the times i failed or was abandoned, weak, and more. By this time my eyes were watering up and i felt useless, but i still had to keep singing. I couldnt go to the bathroom because

1) The teacher wouldnt let us because we were doing something important
2) I would take too long because once i start i cant stop
3) My makup would make it obvious i was crying

And so i held it in, which was extremely difficult, but it finally went away. I was still in a depressing mood so when the class was over (i have it last period) i was mean to my friends which i regret. So i finally got home and did something i haven't done in months.

I cut.

It felt so relieving, and i found a place where nobody would ever see it but me, my hip. Hidden by my underwear when i change, so nobody will ever know.

Im not going to givr details because it would be too gory and psychotic. 😂

Anyways, i broke down after, but instead of regretting it like i usally do, i never felt bad & i still don't. Why? i dont know.

Anyways, Goodbye for today,

Crystal~