How To Live

Chapter Three

Chapter Three

Mawala

"Dinner?" Trinca asked and I nodded my head slightly while fixing my things. I could hear the noise around us, voices chattering and a very familiar impulse of rush that you feel whenever the class ended. The wanting to go home, that's what it feels like.

"This early?" 'di makapaniwalang tanong neto. Bored ko siyang tiningnan.

"Why do you care anyway?" tanong ko rito, she stilled and I froze.

Gusto kong saktan ang sarili ko para sa sinabi ko. It was... way out of line. Trinca looked hurt and a pang of guilt instantly made its presence inside my heart.

For months, I have mastered the art of shutting down people out of my life. But in those months, I haven't mastered yet the art of not feeling guilty after shutting those people down.

The guilt is still creeping inside me like a contagious disease eating up the human's immune system. Ang konsensyang ito ay nagsilbing peste sa akin. I don't want to feel this guilt. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I just want to feel nothing.

Pagod na pagod na akong makaramdam pa ng kahit anong emosyon.

Kahit anong pagiisip ko pa na gustong bawiin ang nasabi ko kanina ay hindi din naman mangyayari iyon. I cannot take back words. I cannot take back my hurtful words and believes that one word can amend all the damages my words have done. Kaya hinayaan ko nalang ito at nagpatuloy sa pagliligpit ng gamit ko, inilagay ko ang huling notebook sa loob ng aking bag.

Inangat ko ang tingin ko kay Trinca, she suddenly smiled at me. Tumitig lamang ako sa kanya. She smiled because she knows my situation. People forbid all my wrong doings because they know I'm on the rocks right now, like a hurricane just came by in my life and I'm still in the state of recovering.

But they are wrong. How can I recover from my life's tragedy?

"Gusto.... gusto mo bang samahan kita?" and then cleared her throat, na para bang alanganin pa ang kanyang alok sa akin. Gusto kong mapairap pero hindi ko ginawa, imbes ay tipid akong ngumiti sa kanya.

"I'll just take out food. Don't worry, Trinca. I'm used on being alone," I said and I saw something on her eyes. Huminga ako ng malalim at tumayo na, ganon din ang kanyang ginawa.

"Bakit kasi ang aga mo kumain? Ala sais palang oh!" aniya at binigyan ko siya ng tipid na ngiti.

"Exactly, alas sais na... meron kasi akong dalawang exam bukas and I want to sleep first before reviewing kaya kakain na ako agad," I found myself explaining when I can't even find any reason why I need to explain it to Trinca.

"Saan ka ba bibili? Sasamahan nalang kita!" umiling kaagad ako sa kanya.

"Sa McDo lang ako bibili," I answered as we exit the lecture hall. Hinawakan niya ang aking braso, I flinched. I think she noticed it because she let go of my arm.

"Sure ka?" tanong pa neto na siyang nagpairita sa akin. Huminga ako ng malalim para makapagisip ng maayos. If I'll let another hurtful word or statement slip off my tongue again, I might lose another friend...

"Yes," I answered that is almost a whisper. Napatango nalang siya at nginitian ako, I smiled back.

It's always like this anyway. Them trying to reach me out but me resisting to be reached out and continue shutting them down out of my life. It's not easy. It's painful shooing the people you are used to be with. Some of them may understand me and may understand my intention but I know at the back of their head, they question me, my decision or maybe my whole self.