Why She Jumped | ✔️

Chapter Seven // Four Days

C H A P T E R S E V E N

"I've been meaning to ask you something, Bambi."

I closed my locker and turned towards Grayson. "What is it, Dolly?" Our whole nickname thing was pretty funny.

"Well, I know that I'm really cutting it close asking you now, but do you want to go to the dance with me tomorrow night?" His grey eyes were filled with hope.

"I completely forgot about the dance! Yeah, I'd love to go with you." I smiled a real, genuine, happy smile.

Happy with my response, Grayson said goodbye and headed to his next class. I walked into the bathroom.

After splashing some cold water on my face to refresh myself, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. What if Grayson was just dared to ask me to the dance? I mean, someone like him should be asking someone prettier, and someone who won't ruin his reputation.

I'm happy about being asked and everything, but I'm scared. I don't think I'm good enough to be friends with him.

And then the thoughts came crashing in.

You're worthless. You're unwanted. You really think Grayson actually wants to go to the dance with you? He's just pitying you. You're not good enough for him. You are ugly.

The voice got louder and louder until it was all I could hear and all I could think about.

I walked into a stall, and from a little pocket in my shoe, I pull out a small blade. I kept it there in case I felt like I need the release.

I pull up the sleeve of my sweater. With a shaky hand, I finally let the blade meet my skin. And slowly, more thin lines of scarlet were drawn onto the canvas that was my wrist.

*****

"And so, he tried to climb the tree, and the branch snapped just like we said it would. He fell, and someone's grandma ended up rushing over and trying to comfort him. Then..." Grayson paused. "What's going on, Bambi?" He asked. "I need to tell you something." I blurted out.

"What's wrong?"

Keeping my promise to him, I slowly rolled up my sleeve. A tear trickled down my face, but I wiped it away.

Oh god, he's going to hate me now. He's going to think I'm an attention seeker just like Hannah said I was.

"Thanks for showing me..." He took a deep breath. "When?" He asked. I knew he was asking when I did it. "Earlier on in the girls bathroom." I replied quietly. He nodded. Holding my hand, he examined my wrist. I started feeling really self conscious about them, so I pulled my arm away and yanked down my sleeve.

"You're hurting yourself, Amber. You might not see it yet, but you're amazing. But cutting yourself? It's just causing you pain. And it isn't going to make anything better."

Unable to make eye contact with him, I simply nodded, looking down at my lap. Gosh... My thighs are so big when I'm sitting down. And my stomach is getting chubby. Should I cut down on meals? If I want to look decent at the dance tomorrow night, maybe I should...

"What are you thinking about? Why aren't you eating your fries?"

"Oh, um.. Nothing. I'm not hungry right now." I faked a small smile.

"Alright... but I want you to know, Bambi, that sometimes letting everything out feels better than bottling everything up. And if you want to tell me, I'll be here to listen." He smiled softly.

"Just thinking about the, uh, the math homework?" It came out as more of a question then an answer.

"Amber, you're a terrible liar. What's up?"

Knowing that I couldn't fool him with my lies, and that he was right about the whole bottling things up thing, I decide to give him a brief answer. But it's the truth.

"I just... I think I should, you know... Lose a little weight?"

"You don't need to loose any weight. You're already thin."

"Not thin enough..." I whispered, but it was audible.

"You're beautiful. Bambi, you're perfect. And cutting back on food will lead you to something unhealthy." He picked a fry up off of his tray and popped it in his mouth.

"Eat. Right now." He demanded.

"I had a big breakfast." That was a lie. I actually didn't end up eating breakfast at all that day. I was getting annoyed, I just wanted him to leave it. But instead he was just making it harder for me.

Of course, my stomach grumbled right after I finished that sentence. Terrible timing.

"You can't fool me. Right now, you need to eat. Or else I'll bug you for a really really long time. And trust me, you don't want that." I thought about it. "Plus, holy shit, these fries are hella good."

I sighed, picking up a fry and eating it.

"Good. Now keep going, you can do this."

*****

Before bed, I decided to plan my outfit for the dance. I already had a nice dress that I knew would be perfect. It's the only super pretty item of clothing that I own.

I sat down on my bed looking at my scars and cuts, slowly tracing my finger over each one.

I wouldn't have to do this to myself if I just died... The sooner I jump, the less blood I'll draw, I thought.