Too busy saving you not knowing that I'm losing myself in the process.
I was never open about my feelings to anyone. I may have sweet bones in my body but I get tongue-tied when it comes to admitting how I really feel. And maybe that's the reason why these things happened. It was me, in the first place.
Standing over the bridge I guess is the best place to collect your thoughts. The water is calm and glassy and the wind refreshes your soul.
The view is breath-taking, I should capture this. I scanned my bag for my phone but I found something. Folded pieces of paper. I opened it, in hopes of discovering what was written on it. It shocked me, it's still here. Letters I wrote for him and was never given to him. To the man who saved me.
"You're the danger I dared to dance with" was the last line written on one of the letters. Indeed, he was the danger that came into my life, a beautiful chaos.
I heard a thunder and the color of the sky suddenly turned dark. Speaking of the danger, he was there. On the other side of the bridge, walking towards me with heads down and earphones on. It was months ago since I last saw him. But why is he here? Oh, I forgot. It's his favorite spot, he said during one of our 2 am talks.
He stopped a meter away from me and looked surprised as if he wasn't expecting to see me here. He then looked at me straight in the eye as if he was reading me and I returned the stare.
His brows furrowed as he said, "I can't read you anymore."
I bitterly smiled at him with a thought in mind, 'I know'. It was as if I built a wall, a wall without any entry. I'm entirely opposite now but darling you can't blame me.
Then a moment of silence....
I wanted to ask him how is he these past few days but I know that's not how it's supposed to be. After all that happened. After all those double meaning messages, sudden coldness and unreplied messages.
I wasn't ready to talk about anything right now so I think walking away was the best thing to do. I was about to walk but he stopped me by saying,
"Am I stressing you that bad?"
What made you think that way?
"I'll try my best not to complicate things again and thank you for everything so far. I know these words mean nothing so I'll try something in the future. Allow me or not" he added.
"No. It means a lot to me. We've helped each other ease the pain." But that future, I'm not sure if it will happen honey.
"Can you like, try your best to be true. Don't be scared. It's perfectly fine for me. Anything. Anything from you."
That made my heart beat. But I have no time for that right now. I need to stop this as early as I can. I can't let my feelings grow bigger than this. I should not. And he knows why. I need to look for a reason why I did this.
"What if I like someone else?" which is partly right, but darling he will never be you. Just like what you said, we can find someone better but you're the best.
"If you like him, then why still keep me?"
"I'm not keeping anyone. People are not possessions...right?" sorry.
He stared at me with those confused eyes.
Damn. Please don't make me do this.
"You stayed." I added and saw his pained expression.
"But you made me stay!" he gripped his hands and shouted again.
"You fucking made me stay!" He screamed those words in the waves like his feelings was a ball of chaos that is finally exploding after a long period of time.
Then he slows down and looked into my eyes as if he was a puzzle that is left unsolved. I can't take this anymore. I shouldn't have done this in the first place.
But we need this. This closure. We need to be apart in order to grow. This is dangerous. I was curing him but he was killing me-no, he also healed my wounds.
I just stared at him. No, I shouldn't cry. I chose this.
"One last request. Stay happy." then he smiled with those teary eyes.
Fuck.
I badly wanted to explain why I did this. I've got more stories to tell. How fear ate me. How those "what ifs" haunt me each night.
I was not ready. I was too dumb to do this unplanned. I've got requests I wasn't able to ask. Last things I want to do with you. Timing is indeed not with us.
I need to let you go. I don't deserve you.
Letting go. They talk about it like it's the easiest thing to do. Unfurl your fingers one by one until your hands are wide open. But mine right now has been clenched into a fist, frozen shut along with the paper I was holding since earlier. All the memories I had with you written in these pieces. I cannot let this go. If I just knew it would be this hard.....but again, I need to.
Can't you see it honey? I've got these little things inside my head running all night and it's killing me. It took away my happiness. It took you.
The weight I'm carrying since earlier was too much that it made me collapse on the floor. I've let all the tears stream down on my face and suddenly the rain fall. Damn. All I wanted to do right now was to hug him like how he wanted to and take back my words. But then I ended up saying "sorry" repeatedly.
The next thing I knew was him walking towards the other side of the bridge and my hands were not fully gripped anymore. All the papers fell on the ground and is fully wet now.
You can't find any reasons to hate me? Now you can.
I need to let you go. To really let you go. To let us both go.
I'm sorry.
